I Am Wheelbear

Royal Rumble!

2011-01-28T11:11:00.000-08:00

And here is a quick rundown of current WWE storylines for those attending the Royal Rumble on Sunday. I'll break it down by match. As I mentioned, there's quite the youth movement going on right now, so expect lots of new names and faces.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
THE MIZ (C) vs RANDY ORTON

Aw, The Miz is champ! Isn't that sweet? No one thought he would make it. That guy's worked his ass off and is living the dream. Good on him.

Anyway, The Miz won a Money in the Bank briefcase and cashed it in on a weakened Randy Orton. He's managed to elude Orton for a few months now, but now Randy's got another shot. Not a very complicated story. I guess the last time you saw Orton he was a bad guy. No longer! WWE gave in to audience demand and turned Orton face shortly after Wrestlemania. Audiences FLIP THE FUCK OUT for Randy Orton. I have no idea why.

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
EDGE (C) vs DOLPH ZIGGLER

How decimated was the Smackdown roster this year? So decimated that they had to make KANE champ! For like five months! In 2010! They even brought back Paul Bearer for a little while! Anyway, Kane was champ and had some terrible title matches with Undertaker (who was too injured to come back full time and win the title), but finally dropped the title to Edge at the last PPV. Since Wrestlemania, Edge turned heel, but then had to turn back face when he got bumped to Smackdown due to there being almost no main event guys on Smackdown.

And aw, Dolph Ziggler's in a championship match! Isn't that sweet? Ziggler's a great wrestler and a decent talker, so it's nice that he's getting this shot. He's also managed by Edge's ex-wife/insane heat magnet Vickie Guerrero, so that's a little story they've got going. Anyway, it's nice that WWE is giving Ziggler this opportunity, but he will not win in a million years.

DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
NATALYA (C) VS MICHELLE MCCOOL AND LAYLA

One thing the WWE did right in 2010 was realize that 2 women's belts was WAY TOO FUCKING MANY, and got rid of one. Unfortunately the one they got rid of was the historic Women's Championship, leaving only the newer Divas title (unaffectionally referred to as the "tramp stamp belt").

Natalya Neidhart (daughter of "The Anvil") is the champ, and since she's built like a brick shithouse she's being challenged by both Michelle McCool and Layla (aka "Laycool"), still doing their "mean girls" gimmick. Should be short.

THE ROYAL RUMBLE

A few different stories here. Woof, okay. I need to talk about Nexus now. And to do that, I need to talk about NXT.

When ECW's ratings on SciFi fell off, WWE tried to mix things up by replacing ECW with NXT. NXT is a weird wrestling/scripted reality show hybrid where WWE took a group of guys from its FCW training league and had them compete for a shot to become a real WWE superstar. They paired up each of these "rookies" with a WWE "pro" mentor, and had them do stupid obstacle courses and wrestle one another. I use quotes in those descriptors because among the "rookies" was indie wrestler Bryan Danielson (rechristened by the WWE as Daniel Bryan), who's had 10 years in the business and is widely regarded as one of the best wrestlers in North America. Bryan was assigned The Miz as his pro, which resulted in much conflict and hilarity.

NXT was weird as hell. Some of the rookies clearly were not ready for television, and the pros would often break character to talk shit about rookies who obviously sucked in the ring. After a number of weeks, intimidating Englishman Wade Barrett (whose pro was Chris Jericho) was declared the winner. On the next Raw, Barrett came down the ramp during a Cena/CM Punk main event, but was soon joined by all the eliminated NXT rookies, who emerged from the audience. The NXT guys then proceeded to destroy everything in sight: Cena, Punk, the announcers, and the ring. It was awesome.

However, in the high spirit of the moment, Daniel Bryan choked out ring announcer Justin Roberts with his own tie, and since choking is verboten in the PG-era WWE, Bryan was fired. In storyline, Barrett claimed Bryan has experienced remorse for the NXT guys' actions, and was booted from the group. The NXT faction, now dubbed The Nexus, declared open war on all things WWE, including Vince McMahon, who they beat up on Raw. They then spent the next several months feuding with basically the entire Raw roster, regardless of good/evil affiliation. The Nexus/WWE war culminated in a 7-on-7 tag match at Summerslam, where team Raw introduced its final member as the just-rehired Daniel Bryan. Team Raw won, with Cena pinning Barrett at the finale. Nexus then focused its hatred on Cena, feuding with him for a few months. Cena briefly had to join the group when he lost a match to Barrett with assistance from two eliminated NXT season 2 rookies (yes, at this point NXT season 2 had come and gone), Husky Harris (son of IRS) and Michael McGillicutty (son of Mr. Perfect). Harris and McGillicutty were inducted into Nexus, and some of the shittier members were cut.

Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan went on to feud with his former mentor The Miz for the US Championship, which Bryan eventually won. Miz then went on to win the WWE title, so it all worked out for him. I should mention that I love Bryan's gimmick, which is "short pale Vegan who is secretly an unstoppable submission machine." Think Chris Benoit minus the retrospectively-obvious insanity.

Cena finally got a one-on-one match with Barrett for his freedom at the last PPV, which Cena won. Nexus seemed finished, until none other than CM Punk stepped into the leadership role, usurping Barrett. Punk believed Cena's actions against Nexus were reprehensible (and they were; Cena was booked to be a total dick this whole storyline) and decided to take revenge, turning Nexus into his own personal cult. The members of Nexus have vowed that they will all work together to ensure that CM Punk wins the Royal Rumble. So that's Nexus.

Current Nexus members:
CM Punk
David Otunga (Fiance of Oscar-winner Jennifer Hudson. Kept around solely for that reason.)
Husky Harris
Michael McGillicutty
Skip Sheffield (Has been out with a broken leg for some time now)
Mason Ryan (This guy just joined last week. He's a big Welshman who bears a bizarrely striking resemblance to Batista.)

BUT WAIT. Because the story is not over yet. (Sorry, but a lot has been happening.) Wade Barrett, having been kicked out of Nexus, wandered over to Smackdown, where he attacked The Big Show. He was quickly joined by his former Nexus stablemates Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater, who didn't care for Punk's masochistic, homoerotic Nexus cult and decided to rejoin their old leader. They also teamed up with mandatory big guy Ezekiel Jackson, because they needed a big guy and Jackson has the sort of build that makes Vince pop a boner. Barrett, having seen the error of his selfish ways when leading Nexus, dubbed his new group The Corre (misspelled so WWE could trademark it), and claimed that his was a group of equals, with no one true leader. The Corre has sworn that in the Rumble it will be every man for himself, with no hard feelings. They also don't like Nexus. The Corre's promos seem to indicate that they might wind up as good guys, but that's not official yet. That's probably a good idea for Slater and Gabriel, who are literal babyfaces who look like they could easily front a boy band. So that's The Corre.

Current Corre members:
Wade Barrett
Justin Gabriel (Babyfaced South African high-flyer, with the only decent finisher from the entire Nexus/Corre crew. It's a sweet 450 splash.)
Heath Slater (Babyfaced Souther ginger. Has a ridiculous voice.)
Ezekiel Jackson (Had nothing to do with Nexus, but now he's with these guys.)

Whew! That was a lot. Sorry about that.

OTHER FOLKS OF NOTE

Alberto Del Rio - I'd be remiss if I didn't mention this guy. He's been getting a huge push on Smackdown and will probably be a big deal in the Rumble. His gimmick is "arrogant Mexican aristocrat". He drives a different classic car to the ring every time he enters, and he has his own Spanish-language ring announcer. He likes to refer to the audience as "peasants". He is awesome.

Sheamus - Remember this guy? Irish, extremely pale? He got a lot better in 2010, but just recently he became King of the Ring so they've been having him dress up like an LOTR reject. It's a bad idea. The "actually thinks he's a king" gimmick only really worked with King Booker. King Booker ruled.

John Morrison - He's been getting a pretty solid push on Raw, feuding with (and beating!) former World Champ Sheamus and having an awesome Last Man Standing title match with The Miz on TV. He's still won't win the Rumble, though.

Okay, I think that's more than enough.

The Wrestlemania Build

2010-03-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

Some of the folks who are coming over for Wrestlemania this weekend wanted a little backstory about some of the big matches taking place on the card. Since there's been a PPV since folks last came over for the Royal Rumble, I am happy to oblige them.

SHAWN MICHAELS VS THE UNDERTAKER
CAREER VS STREAK
NO DQ, NO COUNTOUT - MATCH CAN ONLY END BY PINFALL OR SUBMISSION

The Undertaker is undeafated at Wrestlemania, and the last few years his matches there have mostly centered around wrestlers who want to make a name for themselves by ending the streak. Michaels was last year's challenger, and he lost clean. Cut to a few months ago, when Michaels challenged Undertaker to a rematch. Taker, who was World Heavyweight Champion at the time, told Michaels he would wrestle him anytime, except not at Wrestlemania, since Michaels had had his chance and lost. This drove Shawn Michaels CRAZY. As you saw at the Royal Rumble, Michaels turned on his tag team partner Triple H, eliminating him, and when Michaels was eventually eliminated by Batista, he superkicked the referees who tried to get him to leave the ring. Michaels was so distracted by his need to face Undertaker that he wound up costing DX the Unified Tag Team belts against Miz and The Big Show, and also losing an Elimination Chamber qualifying match to Randy Orton. At the Elimination Chamber PPV, Undertaker was about to win the Smackdown Chamber match and retain his title when Michaels emerged from under the ring and superkicked Taker, allowing Chris Jericho to get the pin and become the new champion. Michaels confronted Taker on Raw the next night, claiming that since Taker was no longer champion, he had no reason not to face Michaels at Mania. Undertaker agreed to the match on one condition: that Michaels put his career on the line. Michaels agreed. Since then, each has been trying to get in the other's head - beating up midcarders, showing up on the other's show to deliver finishing moves, that sort of thing.

BATISTA (C) VS JOHN CENA
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

Batista turned heel a few months ago, creating a great "It's all about me" gimmick where he demands a spotlight for all his ring entrances and promos. I've never really cared for Batista but this character has really clicked. Meanwhile, John Cena is John Cena. At the Elimination Chamber PPV, John Cena was the last man standing in the Raw Elimination Chamber, beating five other guys and becoming the new WWE Champion. However, immediately after the match Vince McMahon (looking for revenge for Cena's support of Bret Hart) came out and declared that Cena would have to immediately defend his title against Batista. Batista destroyed the weakened Cena and became the new champion. In the rematch, Batista immediately kicked Cena in the balls for the DQ and then proceeded to spend 10 minutes just totally destroying him. Later, Cena wanted to know why Dave would be so mean to him, so Batista explained that while the two of them rose in the WWE ranks simultaneously (they both won World title at Wrestlemania 21), for some reason Cena became the face of the WWE, while Batista never got the recognition or, most importantly, money he felt he deserved. So Batista agreed to be Vince's hired gun. Basically, Batista hates Cena and Cena wants his title back. Oh, and Cena has never beaten Batista in a singles match. This is basically a match between the two biggest stars of the current wrestling era and the WWE has been promoting it as such.

CHRIS JERICHO (C) VS EDGE
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

Many months ago, Edge and Chris Jericho were the Unified Tag Team Champions. Edge, despite having been the top heel in the company of several years, was starting to get a lot more cheers than boos. Then Edge tore his achilles tendon at a house show and had to vacate his half of the titles. Jericho promptly replaced him with The Big Show and cut a promo about how Edge was the weak link in their team who was holding Jericho back. Edge then cut a promo from his hospital bed, vowing revenge. Cut to the Royal Rumble, where Edge made a surprise early return from injury and won the Rumble, earning a title shot. Edge opted to wait to decide which title to challenge for after seeing the results of the Elimination Chamber PPV. As I mentioned earlier, Shawn Michaels interfered in the Smackdown chamber, allowing Jericho to become the new champ. Edge then challenged Jericho the next night on Raw. The build for this one's been pretty lackluster honestly, which is pretty disappointing since these are two of the best guys in the business. Mostly it's just been Jericho mocking Edge for being injury prone, then Edge spearing Jericho and getting the crown to chant "Spear!" That's basically it. Regardless, both these guys are awesome and should pull out a great match.

BRET HART VS VINCE MCMAHON
NO HOLDS BARRED

You guys have heard of the Montreal Screwjob, right? No? Well, you can read all about it here. In short, Bret Hart, one of the biggest WWE guys of the 90's, was legitimately screwed out of his World Title by Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels because Vince was worried that Hart was going to jump to rival WCW and take the World Title with him (WWE was in dire financial straights at the time and could not afford such a thing to happen). IAnyway, Bret Hart did wind up in WCW and then retired a few years later. He was understandably bitter about the whole thing and vowed not to return to the WWE. That is, until a few months ago, when he guest-hosted Raw. This was a crazy-big deal for longtime fans, since Bret hadn't been in a WWE ring in 12 years. He promptly buried the hatchet with Shawn Michaels with a handshake and a manly hug, and then tried to do the same with Vince. Vince just kicked Bret in the balls and yelled "You deserved to be screwed!" In short, Bret wants to put the past behind him but Vince is just a huge dickwad. There were some dumb shenanigans about Bret having to fake a broken leg in order to get Vince to agree to the match, but let's not talk about that. The match will be very very short, since Bret is not in the best shape these days. It will end with Bret giving Vince his Sharpshooter submission finisher in the middle of the ring, and everyone in the stadium over 30 will mark the fuck out.

CM PUNK VS REY MYSTERIO
IF REY LOSES, HE MUST JOIN THE STRAIGHT EDGE SOCIETY

I can't even remember why Punk started hassling Mysterio. He was around, and Punk didn't like him. Punk upped the stakes considerably when Mysterio brought out his family on Smackdown and had the crowd sing 'Happy Birthday' to his 9-year-old daughter, only to be interrupted by Punk. Let's just watch it, because it's gold.

Anyway, Punk did that, then declared that Mysterio was a coward for not facing him. Mysterio wanted their match to be a street fight, but Punk had Mysterio face Luke Gallows, claiming that he would only agree to the street fight if Mysterio won. If Mysterio lost, their match at Wrestlemania would determine whether or not Mysterio would have to join Punk's Straight Edge Society. Punk lost to Gallows (after much interference from Punk and Serena), so now if he loses this match, he'll have to join the SES. Should be awesome.

TRIPLE H VS SHEAMUS
You might remember Sheamus as the pale Irishman who was WWE champion at the Royal Rumble. He lost his title in the Raw elimination chamber and was eliminated by Triple H. Thus, match. Sheamus wants to make a name for himself, and Triple H is the biggest name who wasn't busy elsewhere. That's really it.

THE MIZ & BIG SHOW (C) VS JOHN MORRISON AND R-TRUTH
UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS MATCH

No real story here. Morrison and Truth won a triple-threat to qualify, and that's basically it. They're good guys, Miz and Show are bad guys. Move along.

RANDY ORTON VS TED DIBIASE VS CODY RHODES
TRIPLE THREAT MATCH

All the guys in Legacy fight. Legacy has been teasing dissension basically since they got together, and this is finally the (shitty) payoff. The original plan months ago was to eventually turn Ted Dibiase face, but someone must have realized he has all the charisma and wrestling ability of a doorstop, because they ditched that plan. I guess management finally just heart the increasing number of cheers Orton was getting, said 'Fuck it', and decided he'd be the one to go face. This basically screws Dibiase and Rhodes, who have always been portrayed as scrubs who get beat up by guys looking to get at Orton, but what are you gonna do?

MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH
KOFI KINGSTON VS CHRISTIAN VS MVP VS EVAN BOURNE VS JACK SWAGGER VS DOLPH ZIGGLER VS DREW MCINTYRE VS KANE VS MATT HARDY VS SHELTON BENJAMIN

That's a ton of dudes! Again, no story here. 10 dudes want the title shot in the briefcase, and they will do crazy shit with ladders to get it. No idea who might win this one.

10-DIVA TAG MATCH
Five good women fight five bad women. There you go.

See you Sunday!

I Got New Glasses

2009-10-01T12:53:00.000-07:00

So naturally, I thought of this:

Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No...he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then
I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.

The Couples Retreat Billboard Is Misleading

2009-09-18T17:32:00.001-07:00

I don't know about you, but until a few days ago I knew next to nothing about the upcoming film Couples Retreat. Warner Brothers rents ad space on a building right by my house, and when the Couples Retreat ad went up, I honestly thought the movie was some sort of slasher/thriller.

Look how dour everyone is! Sure, upon closer inspection you can see that Kristen Bell* is making a funny face, but if you were to just glance at it, everyone looks really grim. And the tagline "It may be paradise... but it's no vacation" could easily be from a slasher movie rather than a comedy about couples who hate each other. (I guess? I seriously only have the barest inkling of what the movie is about.)

And unlike the image above, the ad near my house lists Vince Vaughn's name above the title, making it seem like he's the only actor in the movie anyone might have heard of. That guy's been in dramas! Maybe he had a house payment to make so he had to do this quicky thriller. Sure, you might notice Jon Favreau on a second glance, but he's been in dramas, too. It takes quite a bit of looking to recognize Jason Bateman and start to think that maybe this is some sort of comedy.

What I'm saying is that if you had not heard of this movie and only sort of paid attention to the ad, it's possible that it could look like a movie where some of these people are killed with a knife.

*I didn't know Kristen Bell was in this movie until I hit Google Image Search to find the billboard image. If Google is to be believed, she spends this entire movie in a bikini. This makes me want to see the movie 25% more than I did before. Unfortunately, 25% of zero is still zero.

Things I Notice

2009-09-02T20:55:00.000-07:00

So, we all know that the single greatest episode of Project Runway is the one where the designers have to make outfits for the WWE Divas. No, don't second-guess me on this. It is the GREATEST EPISODE. Not just of Project Runway, but possibly of any reality show, ever. Seriously. Take a look.

Anyway, I wouldn't blame you if you thought that episode would be the only cross-over between Project Runway and the WWE. But you'd be wrong!

Because while he was recently out with injuries, mid-card staple Matt Hardy...

...apparently snuck onto the new season as a contestant, claiming to be one "Christopher Straub."

OH YEEEEEEEEEAH! Obviously, Matt wanted to remain incognito for his little dalliance into the world of fashion, and assumed that surely no one out there paid close attention of both reality fashion competitions and professional wrestling. Little did he know! But it's okay, Matt. Your secret is safe with me and this blog's three readers.

Part Deux

2009-08-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

There's plenty of complaint-fodder in Empire Magazine's list of the 50 greatest sequels, but probably the most egregious entry is for The French Connection II, which shouldn't be on the list in the first place, let alone at #16.

For those not familiar with The French Connection II, it plays just like one of those joke sequel pitches at the beginning of The Player. "So Popeye gets addicted to heroin, but he kicks it through SHEER FORCE OF WILL. Then, remember that French guy who got away at the end of the first movie? Popeye totally gets to shoot him in the face."

Also, Aliens at #1? I like that movie, but c'mon, guys.

Ponyo, Again

2009-08-25T12:31:00.000-07:00

The ever-reliable Joe McCulloch reviews Ponyo in his estimable style. A quick quote:

"Ponyo relies on a quiet sort of surrealism, blending unexplained adult actions with some archetypical images, so as to communicate with its audience of young children on a primal level."

Yeah, that's exactly right.

No

2009-08-24T19:13:00.000-07:00

Despite the various television advertisements' attempts to convince you otherwise, let me just say that there is NO MONSTER in Whiteout. It's just a friggin' murder mystery. The source material is quite good. There's just, y'know, no monster in it.

Today is for Psychonauts

2009-08-24T14:12:00.000-07:00

Weird

2009-08-24T01:25:00.000-07:00

You know what's a weird movie? A Knight's Tale. Who the hell greenlit that movie?

"Yeah, so it's a reworking of Chaucer, except Chaucer's actually in the movie as a character and he's sort of a wisecracking con man."

"Go on."

"And all the music's going to be modern music. Like all the peasants sing "We Will Rock You" and people dance around to "Golden Years.""

"This sounds amazing."

"Oh, and the whole thing is probably going to be two-and-a-half hours long. At least."

"I am willing to give you as much money as you need to get this project off the ground."

More important mystery: why am I thinking about A Knight's Tale? That shit came out 8 years ago.

Joy to the Power of HAM

2009-08-21T14:34:00.000-07:00

So, Ponyo. This movie is great because someone like me can enjoy it on two levels. One the one hand, it's a sweet, funny fairy tale that distinguishes itself by obeying its own internal dreamy kid-logic. On the other hand, it's totally batshit insane, the sort of movie that could launch a thousand Cracked.com articles. This is a movie you could watch with your kids one night, and then blaze up and watch with your deadbeat friends the next. And it's 100% successful on both levels!

There are going to be a few SPOILERS ahead, and honestly, this movie's probably better the less you know about it ahead of time.

Ponyo, a loose adaptation of "The Little Mermaid", is the story of a little goldfish who defies her sea-wizard father and ventures to the surface of the ocean, where she is discovered by a curious little boy. Ponyo falls in love (albeit cute, non-sexy, five-year-old love, not the Ariel chest-thrusting sort) and decides the sea is for suckers. Unfortunately, Ponyo's attempts to become human upset the balance of nature and things start to go seriously awry.

Pretty straight-forward, right? NO, NOT AT ALL. When Ponyo decides to go full-human and chase down Sosuke, the little boy she's enamored with, she does so by causing a FREAKING TSUNAMI, almost completely submerging the coastal town in which Sosuke lives. WHOOPS. And nobody cares! I guess I should mention that the tsunami sequence is probably the best single scene I've seen in a movie all year. Seriously, it is completely exhilarating. But still, she wipes out that whole town. It's the sort of scene where as you're watching it you're like "Wow, this is amazing!" and then later you think "Jesus, that was insane!"

Everyone and everything in the movie obeys this weird dream-logic. Like, as the storm is happening, Sosuke's mom drives very recklessly and takes crazy risks in order to make sure that she and Sosuke make it home okay. Only once she's home for like 10 minutes she decides she needs to head back to the nursing home where she works in order to check on the old people. THAT'S WHERE YOU JUST CAME FROM LADY! YOU NEARLY DIED GETTING HOME! And when Ponyo appears before Sosuke now fully-human, he exclaims "Mom! Ponyo's back and she's a girl now!" And then the mom just rolls with it! Like "Well, so she is!" WHAT. SHE WAS A GOLDFISH LAST TIME YOU SAW HER THAT IS TOTALLY CRAZY.

Meanwhile, the moon is about to crash into the earth.

Also, Ponyo loves ham and that's basically all she talks about. Like, she screams "HAM!" at the top of her lungs. All the time.

Oh, and Ponyo's wizard father vows to wipe out humanity and then forgets about it.

And I haven't even mentioned Ponyo's adorably/horrifying sisters. (Yes, they are all just miniature versions of Ponyo.)

You see what I'm talking about. Listen, this movie definitely isn't for everyone. If you're like, say, this guy, you might find this movie to be a cornucopia of horrors. But if you're willing to go with the flow (not even a pun, I swear to God), you might wind up like me, loving this movie and wanting to marry it.

BONUS: The dance sensation of 2009!

Hello again

2009-08-20T17:03:00.001-07:00

I used to blog a lot. Then I stopped. Now I'm starting again! Except this time, expect much less "And then I stayed at home all weekend and was sad," and much more "Ponyo was insane and I loved it and here's why." Y'know, stuff like that.

I was going to call this blog "Listen, Lady..." like the old one, but someone already took that domain name for an obviously very important purpose.