Hey, the semi-annual PPV card rundown!
WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
RANDY ORTON VS JOHN CENA
Guys, they finally, finally, finally unified the WWE and World Heavyweight Championships. Of course, current champion Randy Orton is just carrying around both belts simultaneously, but I'm sure they'll merge them into one belt one of these days, presumably before Wrestlemania. Anyway, the story here is that Orton is the WWE's hand-picked corporate champion, propped up by Triple H and Stephanie McMahon, collectively known as The Authority. The Authority spent months screwing Daniel Bryan out of the WWE title and keeping it in Orton's hands; meanwhile, Cena easily won the World title because he is John Cena. Then Cena and Orton had a TLC match to determine the unified champion, which Orton won. Now here's the rematch, with no special stipulations. Cena/Orton is obviously about as played-out a feud as you can imagine, but it's also the highest profile match WWE can offer with guys it regularly employs, which tells you a lot about WWE's ability to build new stars.
THE ROYAL RUMBLE
You know the deal with the match, so here are some of the important players.
BATISTA
Hey, Batista! Batista's back, you guys! He just showed up on the last episode of Raw, so expect him to do very well, and probably win the whole thing
CM PUNK
You know Punk, of course. I'm just bringing him up because he's feuding with Kane, who's become an agent of The Authority. Kane has declared that Punk will enter at #1.
THE SHIELD (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns)
If you've been away awhile, The Shield have been running roughshod over the WWE in the last year and a half, winning titles and being awesome. Now they seem on the verge of breaking up, as leader Dean Ambrose seems to be taking an increasing amout of credit for The Shield's success, despite Roman Reigns doing a lot of the work.
DANIEL BRYAN (?)
By all rights, Daniel Bryan should be in the Rumble, but he's got another match on the card and he hasn't been announced, so I guess we'll see.
BROCK LESNAR VS BIG SHOW
Brock Lesnar has declared that he's going to be challenging for the title in the near future, which I guess is something you can do when you're Brock Lesnar. Anyway, Lesnar has to destroy somebody en route to Wrestlemania to prove how tough he is, and Big Show's that guy.
DANIEL BRYAN VS BRAY WYATT
As mentioned, Bryan spent the last four months getting screwed out of the WWE title by Randy Orton and The Authority, and his struggle brought him to the attention of Bray Wyatt, the evil bayou cult leader who looks just like Emory dressed as Robert DeNiro in CAPE FEAR. Wyatt and his followers Luke Harper and Erick Rowan beat Bryan down repeatedly until Bryan agreed to join them. Crowds who were super into Bryan before were pretty ambivalent towards evil heel Bryan, so the brass panicked and pulled the plug on the angle early. Bryan tricked Wyatt into a steel cage and then turned on hime, and there was much rejoicing.
Listen to how insane that crowd is! This angle only lasted TWO WEEKS. Anyway, presumably this is the blowoff match.
And that's all that's been announced. See you Sunday!
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Summerslam!
Remember how Wrestlemania had kind of a fun undercard but the final two matches were boring horseshit? Now imagine a fun undercard with two main events that are RAD AS HELL, and you've got this year's Summerslam!
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
JOHN CENA VS DANIEL BRYAN
The face of the company vs the best wrestler the company employs! In a rare and startling display of long-term storytelling, WWE has been building Bryan as a legit threat for months, mostly through his involvement in a show-stopping series of six-man tag matches against rookie dynamos The Shield. Sometimes it's frustrating watching these PPVs with you guys, because it often feels like showing you just the third act of a movie and having to describe the first parts. But just let me say that the series of matches The Shield had on Raw against all of the WWE's best were exhilarating. They happened every week, they were all 20 minutes long, the crowd would lose their minds, and The Shield would never lose. That is, until they faced Kane, Randy Ortion, and Daniel Bryan.
It was a big deal. (Note Lillian Garcia's announcement, "The Shield has been defeated!") Over the extended feud with The Shield, Bryan really caught on with the crowd with his dynamic wrestling style and eminently chantable catch-phrase of "Yes! Yes! Yes!" So when John Cena was given carte blanche by weasely RAW general manager Brad Maddox to choose his opponent for Summerslam, Cena obeyed the "Yes!" chanting crowd and chose Bryan. Since then, Vince McMahon has repeatedly expressed his dismay at the possibility of Bryan becoming champion, saying he'd prefer someone with a more refined, corporate image and forcing Bryan to jump through various hoops like getting a "corporate makeover" and a punishing series of gauntlet matches. (That last one saw Bryan wrestle for about 45 minutes straight on one episode of Raw. Oh heck, here's part of his match with Antonion Cesaro, just so you can see Bryan's BOSS reversal of Cesaro's European uppercut into a small package pin.)
The only complication is that Randy Orton won Raw's Money in the Bank briefcase at the last PPV, and he's made it clear that he'd be happy to cash in on a downed opponent. Anyway, Bryan is great, Cena can be great with the right opponent, Orton's prepared to go full-blown heel again, and this match should be given plenty of time. I'm really looking forward to it.
THE BEST VS THE BEAST
CM PUNK VS BROCK LESNAR
Another great storyline that I'll try to sum up for you in much shorter fashion. You may recall that not too long ago, Punk held the WWE title for 434 days (turning heel around the midpoint), and during that time he was managed by his long-time friend, Paul Heyman. You'll definitely recall that Punk eventually lost his championship to The Rock and then also lost his Wrestlemania match against The Undertaker. After these losses, Punk took a few months off to re-evaluate things. When he returned, he turned face again and made it clear that he no longer needed Paul Heyman's help. The next week, Brock Lesnar showed up and attacked Punk. Since Lesnar is also one of Heyman's clients, Punk suspected treachery, but Heyman swore up and down that he had nothing to do with Lesnar's actions. At the Money in the Bank PPV, Punk was poised to win the briefcase when Paul Heyman attacked him with a ladder, costing him the match. The next on Raw, Heyman cut this rad-as-shit promo:
Yes, that does end with Punk basically threatening to kill Paul Heyman and everyone Paul Heyman ever loved. Heyman then brought out Lesnar, and while Punk put up a good fight, Lesnar wound up destroying him. And every subsequent time Punk has tried to get his hands on Heyman, Lesnar shows up and kills him. So basically it's a David vs Goliath story crossed with BETRAYED FRIENDSHIPS. Sometimes simple stories are best. (This story's even better with the knowledge that Heyman really is best friends with both Punk and Lesnar.)
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
ALBERTO DEL RIO VS CHRISTIAN
Christian won a four-way #1 contender's match and here we are! Boy, is the Smackdown main event scene dull!
CODY RHODES VS DAMIEN SANDOW
Rhodes Scholars EXPLODES! Cody Rhodes nearly won the Smackdown Money in the Bank match only to be foiled by his tag team partner and BEST FRIEND Damien Sandow. Rhodes turned face, stole Sandow's contract briefcase, and threw it in the Gulf of Mexico. Then he dredged it up "at great personal expense" just so he could show it off on Raw, dripping and full of seaweed. This is like the Punk/Lesnar match as a Looney Tunes cartoon and I am into it.
RING OF FIRE MATCH
KANE VS BRAY WYATT
I was going to write a big thing pitching you all on Bray Wyatt, The Eater of Worlds, and his evil bayou hillbilly cult The Wyatt Family, but instead I will just let you watch this video (skip to around 1:20).
If you were not on board by the time Wyatt explained that fire could not hurt him because he was already dead, let's just say you and I have very different tastes and leave it at that. Oh, and apparently the ring will be surrounded by fire? C'mon, you're into that. Plus Bray Wyatt looks just like Emory. That's awesome.
DOLPH ZIGGLER & KAITLYN VS BIG E LANGSTON & AJ LEE
Poor Dolph Ziggler. He was world champ a few months ago, then he got a for-real concussion, lost all his momentum, and they transferred the belt back to Del Rio. Now he's feuding with his ex-girlfriend's bodyguard. Meanwhile the Kaitlyn/AJ feud continues into its infinitieth month since basically every other woman WWE employs is on some stupid E! reality show. Still, I like all these guys.
That's it! When the worst-looking match is a probably-perfectly-competent WHC match, things are looking good.
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
JOHN CENA VS DANIEL BRYAN
The face of the company vs the best wrestler the company employs! In a rare and startling display of long-term storytelling, WWE has been building Bryan as a legit threat for months, mostly through his involvement in a show-stopping series of six-man tag matches against rookie dynamos The Shield. Sometimes it's frustrating watching these PPVs with you guys, because it often feels like showing you just the third act of a movie and having to describe the first parts. But just let me say that the series of matches The Shield had on Raw against all of the WWE's best were exhilarating. They happened every week, they were all 20 minutes long, the crowd would lose their minds, and The Shield would never lose. That is, until they faced Kane, Randy Ortion, and Daniel Bryan.
It was a big deal. (Note Lillian Garcia's announcement, "The Shield has been defeated!") Over the extended feud with The Shield, Bryan really caught on with the crowd with his dynamic wrestling style and eminently chantable catch-phrase of "Yes! Yes! Yes!" So when John Cena was given carte blanche by weasely RAW general manager Brad Maddox to choose his opponent for Summerslam, Cena obeyed the "Yes!" chanting crowd and chose Bryan. Since then, Vince McMahon has repeatedly expressed his dismay at the possibility of Bryan becoming champion, saying he'd prefer someone with a more refined, corporate image and forcing Bryan to jump through various hoops like getting a "corporate makeover" and a punishing series of gauntlet matches. (That last one saw Bryan wrestle for about 45 minutes straight on one episode of Raw. Oh heck, here's part of his match with Antonion Cesaro, just so you can see Bryan's BOSS reversal of Cesaro's European uppercut into a small package pin.)
The only complication is that Randy Orton won Raw's Money in the Bank briefcase at the last PPV, and he's made it clear that he'd be happy to cash in on a downed opponent. Anyway, Bryan is great, Cena can be great with the right opponent, Orton's prepared to go full-blown heel again, and this match should be given plenty of time. I'm really looking forward to it.
THE BEST VS THE BEAST
CM PUNK VS BROCK LESNAR
Another great storyline that I'll try to sum up for you in much shorter fashion. You may recall that not too long ago, Punk held the WWE title for 434 days (turning heel around the midpoint), and during that time he was managed by his long-time friend, Paul Heyman. You'll definitely recall that Punk eventually lost his championship to The Rock and then also lost his Wrestlemania match against The Undertaker. After these losses, Punk took a few months off to re-evaluate things. When he returned, he turned face again and made it clear that he no longer needed Paul Heyman's help. The next week, Brock Lesnar showed up and attacked Punk. Since Lesnar is also one of Heyman's clients, Punk suspected treachery, but Heyman swore up and down that he had nothing to do with Lesnar's actions. At the Money in the Bank PPV, Punk was poised to win the briefcase when Paul Heyman attacked him with a ladder, costing him the match. The next on Raw, Heyman cut this rad-as-shit promo:
Yes, that does end with Punk basically threatening to kill Paul Heyman and everyone Paul Heyman ever loved. Heyman then brought out Lesnar, and while Punk put up a good fight, Lesnar wound up destroying him. And every subsequent time Punk has tried to get his hands on Heyman, Lesnar shows up and kills him. So basically it's a David vs Goliath story crossed with BETRAYED FRIENDSHIPS. Sometimes simple stories are best. (This story's even better with the knowledge that Heyman really is best friends with both Punk and Lesnar.)
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
ALBERTO DEL RIO VS CHRISTIAN
Christian won a four-way #1 contender's match and here we are! Boy, is the Smackdown main event scene dull!
CODY RHODES VS DAMIEN SANDOW
Rhodes Scholars EXPLODES! Cody Rhodes nearly won the Smackdown Money in the Bank match only to be foiled by his tag team partner and BEST FRIEND Damien Sandow. Rhodes turned face, stole Sandow's contract briefcase, and threw it in the Gulf of Mexico. Then he dredged it up "at great personal expense" just so he could show it off on Raw, dripping and full of seaweed. This is like the Punk/Lesnar match as a Looney Tunes cartoon and I am into it.
RING OF FIRE MATCH
KANE VS BRAY WYATT
I was going to write a big thing pitching you all on Bray Wyatt, The Eater of Worlds, and his evil bayou hillbilly cult The Wyatt Family, but instead I will just let you watch this video (skip to around 1:20).
If you were not on board by the time Wyatt explained that fire could not hurt him because he was already dead, let's just say you and I have very different tastes and leave it at that. Oh, and apparently the ring will be surrounded by fire? C'mon, you're into that. Plus Bray Wyatt looks just like Emory. That's awesome.
DOLPH ZIGGLER & KAITLYN VS BIG E LANGSTON & AJ LEE
Poor Dolph Ziggler. He was world champ a few months ago, then he got a for-real concussion, lost all his momentum, and they transferred the belt back to Del Rio. Now he's feuding with his ex-girlfriend's bodyguard. Meanwhile the Kaitlyn/AJ feud continues into its infinitieth month since basically every other woman WWE employs is on some stupid E! reality show. Still, I like all these guys.
That's it! When the worst-looking match is a probably-perfectly-competent WHC match, things are looking good.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Wrestlemania 29
Once again, I am here for you.
WWE CHAMPSIONSHIP
THE ROCK VS JOHN CENA
ONCE IN A LIFETIME... AGAIN! THIS TIME... FOR THE LAST TIME! (MAYBE!)
You'll recall that Rock won the title at the Royal Rumble while Cena won the Rumble match itself. And here we are! Rock won last year, Cena wants revenge, etc. Hope you guys like REST HOLDS.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
ALBERTO DEL RIO VS JACK SWAGGER
Del Rio turned face a few months back and beat Big Show for the title. Former-World-Champion-turned-midcard-jobber Jack Swagger had been gone several months, taking some time off (while actually having sweet adventures on mars) to get his act together. When Swagger returned, he had a new manager and a hard-line stance on immigration. Swagger won the Smackdown Elimination Chamber match for the right to challenge Del Rio for the title at Mania, and here we are: heroic Mexican guy vs straight-up racist. Perhaps you'd like to buy the racist guy's t-shirt?
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
TEAM HELL NO (Kane & Daniel Bryan) VS DOLPH ZIGGLER (w/AJ Lee) & BIG E LANGSTON
I love Team Hell No, but their act has been stale for awhile now, and I was really hoping they'd turn on each other and fight at Wrestlemania. Instead they're in a holding pattern, battling the perpetually under-used Ziggler and his massive bodyguard, Big E Langson. I will say that I think Ziggler has finally hit on the perfect combo to break to the top of the card: evil girlfriend (AJ Lee, a step up from Vickie Guerrero, whose nuclear heat tends to draw focus from those she manages) and hulking bodyguard (Big E). Ziggler STILL has the Money in the Bank briefcase he can cash in for a few more months, so he doesn't need the tag titles. This match screams "get these guys on the card somehow." Still, I like everyone involved.
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPSIONSHIP
WADE BARRETT VS THE MIZ
WWE does this infuriating thing with its second-tier champions where they lose every non-title match but always pull out a win when the title might actually change hands. And that's the story here: Miz has beat Barrett several times when the title wasn't on the line, can he do it when it is? Probably! Who gives a shit?
TRIPLE H VS BROCK LESNAR (w/Paul Heyman)
NO HOLDS BARRED, IF TRIPLE H LOSES HE MUST RETIRE
Brock Lesnar beat Triple H at Summerslam much to everyone's delight, so obviously THAT CANNOT STAND. Still, could be good. Paul Heyman's involvement is always welcome. ("My client... BRRRROCK LLLLESNAR...gets PAID to HURT PEOPLE.")
THE UNDERTAKER VS CM PUNK
I have no idea what the original plan for this feud was, but Undertaker's long-time manager Paul Bearer died a few weeks back, that's been Punk's focus. He stole Undertaker's urn and ran down Bearer whenever he could. Just old-school dickhead heel stuff. Punk has claimed to be in Undertaker's head, which I think every Taker opponent has claimed since 1997. Can Punk break the streak?!? Ha ha come on of course he can't. Still, he should sell getting destroyed nicely.
THE SHIELD (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns) VS RANDY ORTON, SHEAMUS, AND THE BIG SHOW
This will shock everyone, but The Shield has been around for nearly six months and the WWE has yet to fuck them up. They've won every match they've participated in, and handed out beat-downs to stale top card faces on the reg, and it's been glorious. Once again some random good guys have teamed up to take The Shield out, and I'm hoping they'll be as successful as the other random teams of good guys who have tried. The wrinkle here is that Big Show just turned face, and Orton and Sheamus don't trust him.
RYBACK VS MARK HENRY
The immovable object meets the other immovable object! I never dreamed I'd ever root for Mark Henry, but his current schtick is gold.
CHRIS JERICHO VS FANDANGO
Here's a weird one. Jericho returned at the Rumble and has been doing very little (mostly beating second-tier champions in non-title matches). Fandango and his ballroom dance gimmick debuted a few weeks ago but he has yet to participate in a match, since he refuses to wrestle until someone pronounces his name correctly. Fandango's definite of "correctly" is odd. Y'know, maybe you should just see.
This is obviously a weird comedy gimmick, and for some reason his first real match will be against top guy Chris Jericho on the biggest show of the year. I love it.
TONS OF FUNK & THE FUNKADACTYLS (Brodus Clay, Tensai, Naomi, and Cameron) VS TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS (Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow) & THE BELLA TWINS
Tensai was introduced as a world-destroying villain, but nobody liked him so now he's a dancing fat guy teamed with another dancing fat guy. The Rhodes Scholars broke up a few months ago until someone realized that was a terrible idea, so now they're back, and they brought the returning Bella Twins. Not sure what two dancing fat guys can do against the power of BEST FRIENDS, but I guess we'll see.
See you Sunday!
WWE CHAMPSIONSHIP
THE ROCK VS JOHN CENA
ONCE IN A LIFETIME... AGAIN! THIS TIME... FOR THE LAST TIME! (MAYBE!)
You'll recall that Rock won the title at the Royal Rumble while Cena won the Rumble match itself. And here we are! Rock won last year, Cena wants revenge, etc. Hope you guys like REST HOLDS.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
ALBERTO DEL RIO VS JACK SWAGGER
Del Rio turned face a few months back and beat Big Show for the title. Former-World-Champion-turned-midcard-jobber Jack Swagger had been gone several months, taking some time off (while actually having sweet adventures on mars) to get his act together. When Swagger returned, he had a new manager and a hard-line stance on immigration. Swagger won the Smackdown Elimination Chamber match for the right to challenge Del Rio for the title at Mania, and here we are: heroic Mexican guy vs straight-up racist. Perhaps you'd like to buy the racist guy's t-shirt?
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
TEAM HELL NO (Kane & Daniel Bryan) VS DOLPH ZIGGLER (w/AJ Lee) & BIG E LANGSTON
I love Team Hell No, but their act has been stale for awhile now, and I was really hoping they'd turn on each other and fight at Wrestlemania. Instead they're in a holding pattern, battling the perpetually under-used Ziggler and his massive bodyguard, Big E Langson. I will say that I think Ziggler has finally hit on the perfect combo to break to the top of the card: evil girlfriend (AJ Lee, a step up from Vickie Guerrero, whose nuclear heat tends to draw focus from those she manages) and hulking bodyguard (Big E). Ziggler STILL has the Money in the Bank briefcase he can cash in for a few more months, so he doesn't need the tag titles. This match screams "get these guys on the card somehow." Still, I like everyone involved.
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPSIONSHIP
WADE BARRETT VS THE MIZ
WWE does this infuriating thing with its second-tier champions where they lose every non-title match but always pull out a win when the title might actually change hands. And that's the story here: Miz has beat Barrett several times when the title wasn't on the line, can he do it when it is? Probably! Who gives a shit?
TRIPLE H VS BROCK LESNAR (w/Paul Heyman)
NO HOLDS BARRED, IF TRIPLE H LOSES HE MUST RETIRE
Brock Lesnar beat Triple H at Summerslam much to everyone's delight, so obviously THAT CANNOT STAND. Still, could be good. Paul Heyman's involvement is always welcome. ("My client... BRRRROCK LLLLESNAR...gets PAID to HURT PEOPLE.")
THE UNDERTAKER VS CM PUNK
I have no idea what the original plan for this feud was, but Undertaker's long-time manager Paul Bearer died a few weeks back, that's been Punk's focus. He stole Undertaker's urn and ran down Bearer whenever he could. Just old-school dickhead heel stuff. Punk has claimed to be in Undertaker's head, which I think every Taker opponent has claimed since 1997. Can Punk break the streak?!? Ha ha come on of course he can't. Still, he should sell getting destroyed nicely.
THE SHIELD (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns) VS RANDY ORTON, SHEAMUS, AND THE BIG SHOW
This will shock everyone, but The Shield has been around for nearly six months and the WWE has yet to fuck them up. They've won every match they've participated in, and handed out beat-downs to stale top card faces on the reg, and it's been glorious. Once again some random good guys have teamed up to take The Shield out, and I'm hoping they'll be as successful as the other random teams of good guys who have tried. The wrinkle here is that Big Show just turned face, and Orton and Sheamus don't trust him.
RYBACK VS MARK HENRY
The immovable object meets the other immovable object! I never dreamed I'd ever root for Mark Henry, but his current schtick is gold.
CHRIS JERICHO VS FANDANGO
Here's a weird one. Jericho returned at the Rumble and has been doing very little (mostly beating second-tier champions in non-title matches). Fandango and his ballroom dance gimmick debuted a few weeks ago but he has yet to participate in a match, since he refuses to wrestle until someone pronounces his name correctly. Fandango's definite of "correctly" is odd. Y'know, maybe you should just see.
This is obviously a weird comedy gimmick, and for some reason his first real match will be against top guy Chris Jericho on the biggest show of the year. I love it.
TONS OF FUNK & THE FUNKADACTYLS (Brodus Clay, Tensai, Naomi, and Cameron) VS TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS (Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow) & THE BELLA TWINS
Tensai was introduced as a world-destroying villain, but nobody liked him so now he's a dancing fat guy teamed with another dancing fat guy. The Rhodes Scholars broke up a few months ago until someone realized that was a terrible idea, so now they're back, and they brought the returning Bella Twins. Not sure what two dancing fat guys can do against the power of BEST FRIENDS, but I guess we'll see.
See you Sunday!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wrestlemania 28
I run down the card so you won't be lost. (Just kidding. It's wrestling! How could you be lost?)
JOHN CENA VS THE ROCK
John Cena is the biggest wrestling star from 2005 to present. The Rock wasn't necessarily the biggest wrestling star before 2005, but he's the biggest star who can still take a flat back bump without dying, so here we are! Despite the amount of airtime this feud has received, there's almost no story here other than "Cena hates Rock because he turned his back on wrestling. Rock thinks Cena's a bitch." But hey, sometimes you don't need a big story if the names are big enough.
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
CM PUNK (C) VS CHRIS JERICHO
Before he took his last sabbatical, Jericho claimed he was the "best in the world at what I do". After Punk beat Cena for the title at the Money in the Bank PPV, Punk started claiming "best in the world" status. Now Jericho's back and they're gonna fight! And whoever wins will be the best in the world! That's basically it. Sure, Jericho's been trying to get into Punk's head by bringing up Punk's alcoholic father, but mostly it's just two of the best guys on the roster, wrestling for the title. It doesn't have to be rocket science.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
DANIEL BRYAN (C) VS SHEAMUS
Daniel Bryan is the dick World Champion with a girlfriend he doesn't deserve. Sheamus is the pale Irish scrapper with the questionably awesome nickname ("The Great White"). I cannot tell a lie, I totally love Bryan's shtick. He over-celebrates EVERYTHING, including his own entrance, where he just yells "YES! YES! YES!" over and over. Sometimes he even yells "YES!" while repeatedly kicking Sheamus in the chest. Again, the story here isn't much (perhaps you're sensing a theme?). Basically it's just "Sheamus won the Royal Rumble and challenged Bryan because Bryan is a dick," but Bryan's a great wrestler and Sheamus can hang with him, so the match should be decent. YES!
TRIPLE H VS UNDERTAKER - HELL IN A CELL W/GUEST REFEREE SHAWN MICHAELS
After last year's acceptable-but-unremarkable effort, they're doing it again! In a cage! With HBK as referee! Undertaker wanted another shot because even though he won last year, Hunter dominated him for most of the match. Hunter was hesitant because he's a WWE corporate guy now and murdering Undertaker in the ring and ending his WM winning streak would be bad for business. Undertaker finally goaded him into it basically by saying "You're afraid, because your buddy Shawn couldn't beat me, and everyone knows that Shawn was always better than you." This sick burn had the storyline advantage of being factually true. After much more talking, we've wound up with Hell in a Cell and Michaels as the ref. If Taker wins, he'll be 20 - 0 at WM, so this could very well be his last match. We'll see! The big upside is that if any two guys had the pull to allow blood on WWE PPV again, it's these guys. Here's hoping.
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP
CODY RHODES(C) VS BIG SHOW
This entire feud has consisted of Cody pointing out that Big Show always loses at Wrestlemania. That is, when he's allowed to be at WM at all. Cody Rhodes: classic asshole.
TEAM JOHNNY (David Otunga, Mark Henry, The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, and Drew McIntyre) VS TEAM TEDDY (Santino Marella, Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Zack Ryder, The Great Khali, and Booker T)
John Laurinaitis is the doofy-yet-evil "Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Monday Night Raw." Yes, he says his full title every time. Teddy Long is the doofy-yet-good General Manager of Smackdown. They've each recruited a team of midcarders to battle for supremacy in a 12-man tag team match, and whoever wins gets to control both shows. John Laurinaitis is about 10 million times more entertaining than Teddy Long, so I'm rooting for Team Johnny.
RANDY ORTON VS KANE
Kane has to fight SOMEONE every Wrestlemania, and this year Orton drew the short straw. I'd tell you what the story is, but I really haven't paid much attention. I fast forward through Kane segments like it's my job.
KELLY KELLY & MARIA MENOUNOS VS BETH PHOENIX & EVE
Ladies fightin', except this time one of the ladies is the host of EXTRA. Yeesh.
That's it! See you Sunday!
JOHN CENA VS THE ROCK
John Cena is the biggest wrestling star from 2005 to present. The Rock wasn't necessarily the biggest wrestling star before 2005, but he's the biggest star who can still take a flat back bump without dying, so here we are! Despite the amount of airtime this feud has received, there's almost no story here other than "Cena hates Rock because he turned his back on wrestling. Rock thinks Cena's a bitch." But hey, sometimes you don't need a big story if the names are big enough.
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
CM PUNK (C) VS CHRIS JERICHO
Before he took his last sabbatical, Jericho claimed he was the "best in the world at what I do". After Punk beat Cena for the title at the Money in the Bank PPV, Punk started claiming "best in the world" status. Now Jericho's back and they're gonna fight! And whoever wins will be the best in the world! That's basically it. Sure, Jericho's been trying to get into Punk's head by bringing up Punk's alcoholic father, but mostly it's just two of the best guys on the roster, wrestling for the title. It doesn't have to be rocket science.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
DANIEL BRYAN (C) VS SHEAMUS
Daniel Bryan is the dick World Champion with a girlfriend he doesn't deserve. Sheamus is the pale Irish scrapper with the questionably awesome nickname ("The Great White"). I cannot tell a lie, I totally love Bryan's shtick. He over-celebrates EVERYTHING, including his own entrance, where he just yells "YES! YES! YES!" over and over. Sometimes he even yells "YES!" while repeatedly kicking Sheamus in the chest. Again, the story here isn't much (perhaps you're sensing a theme?). Basically it's just "Sheamus won the Royal Rumble and challenged Bryan because Bryan is a dick," but Bryan's a great wrestler and Sheamus can hang with him, so the match should be decent. YES!
TRIPLE H VS UNDERTAKER - HELL IN A CELL W/GUEST REFEREE SHAWN MICHAELS
After last year's acceptable-but-unremarkable effort, they're doing it again! In a cage! With HBK as referee! Undertaker wanted another shot because even though he won last year, Hunter dominated him for most of the match. Hunter was hesitant because he's a WWE corporate guy now and murdering Undertaker in the ring and ending his WM winning streak would be bad for business. Undertaker finally goaded him into it basically by saying "You're afraid, because your buddy Shawn couldn't beat me, and everyone knows that Shawn was always better than you." This sick burn had the storyline advantage of being factually true. After much more talking, we've wound up with Hell in a Cell and Michaels as the ref. If Taker wins, he'll be 20 - 0 at WM, so this could very well be his last match. We'll see! The big upside is that if any two guys had the pull to allow blood on WWE PPV again, it's these guys. Here's hoping.
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP
CODY RHODES(C) VS BIG SHOW
This entire feud has consisted of Cody pointing out that Big Show always loses at Wrestlemania. That is, when he's allowed to be at WM at all. Cody Rhodes: classic asshole.
TEAM JOHNNY (David Otunga, Mark Henry, The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, and Drew McIntyre) VS TEAM TEDDY (Santino Marella, Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Zack Ryder, The Great Khali, and Booker T)
John Laurinaitis is the doofy-yet-evil "Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Monday Night Raw." Yes, he says his full title every time. Teddy Long is the doofy-yet-good General Manager of Smackdown. They've each recruited a team of midcarders to battle for supremacy in a 12-man tag team match, and whoever wins gets to control both shows. John Laurinaitis is about 10 million times more entertaining than Teddy Long, so I'm rooting for Team Johnny.
RANDY ORTON VS KANE
Kane has to fight SOMEONE every Wrestlemania, and this year Orton drew the short straw. I'd tell you what the story is, but I really haven't paid much attention. I fast forward through Kane segments like it's my job.
KELLY KELLY & MARIA MENOUNOS VS BETH PHOENIX & EVE
Ladies fightin', except this time one of the ladies is the host of EXTRA. Yeesh.
That's it! See you Sunday!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Royal Rumble!
And here is a quick rundown of current WWE storylines for those attending the Royal Rumble on Sunday. I'll break it down by match. As I mentioned, there's quite the youth movement going on right now, so expect lots of new names and faces.
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
THE MIZ (C) vs RANDY ORTON
Aw, The Miz is champ! Isn't that sweet? No one thought he would make it. That guy's worked his ass off and is living the dream. Good on him.
Anyway, The Miz won a Money in the Bank briefcase and cashed it in on a weakened Randy Orton. He's managed to elude Orton for a few months now, but now Randy's got another shot. Not a very complicated story. I guess the last time you saw Orton he was a bad guy. No longer! WWE gave in to audience demand and turned Orton face shortly after Wrestlemania. Audiences FLIP THE FUCK OUT for Randy Orton. I have no idea why.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
EDGE (C) vs DOLPH ZIGGLER
How decimated was the Smackdown roster this year? So decimated that they had to make KANE champ! For like five months! In 2010! They even brought back Paul Bearer for a little while! Anyway, Kane was champ and had some terrible title matches with Undertaker (who was too injured to come back full time and win the title), but finally dropped the title to Edge at the last PPV. Since Wrestlemania, Edge turned heel, but then had to turn back face when he got bumped to Smackdown due to there being almost no main event guys on Smackdown.
And aw, Dolph Ziggler's in a championship match! Isn't that sweet? Ziggler's a great wrestler and a decent talker, so it's nice that he's getting this shot. He's also managed by Edge's ex-wife/insane heat magnet Vickie Guerrero, so that's a little story they've got going. Anyway, it's nice that WWE is giving Ziggler this opportunity, but he will not win in a million years.
DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
NATALYA (C) VS MICHELLE MCCOOL AND LAYLA
One thing the WWE did right in 2010 was realize that 2 women's belts was WAY TOO FUCKING MANY, and got rid of one. Unfortunately the one they got rid of was the historic Women's Championship, leaving only the newer Divas title (unaffectionally referred to as the "tramp stamp belt").
Natalya Neidhart (daughter of "The Anvil") is the champ, and since she's built like a brick shithouse she's being challenged by both Michelle McCool and Layla (aka "Laycool"), still doing their "mean girls" gimmick. Should be short.
THE ROYAL RUMBLE
A few different stories here. Woof, okay. I need to talk about Nexus now. And to do that, I need to talk about NXT.
When ECW's ratings on SciFi fell off, WWE tried to mix things up by replacing ECW with NXT. NXT is a weird wrestling/scripted reality show hybrid where WWE took a group of guys from its FCW training league and had them compete for a shot to become a real WWE superstar. They paired up each of these "rookies" with a WWE "pro" mentor, and had them do stupid obstacle courses and wrestle one another. I use quotes in those descriptors because among the "rookies" was indie wrestler Bryan Danielson (rechristened by the WWE as Daniel Bryan), who's had 10 years in the business and is widely regarded as one of the best wrestlers in North America. Bryan was assigned The Miz as his pro, which resulted in much conflict and hilarity.
NXT was weird as hell. Some of the rookies clearly were not ready for television, and the pros would often break character to talk shit about rookies who obviously sucked in the ring. After a number of weeks, intimidating Englishman Wade Barrett (whose pro was Chris Jericho) was declared the winner. On the next Raw, Barrett came down the ramp during a Cena/CM Punk main event, but was soon joined by all the eliminated NXT rookies, who emerged from the audience. The NXT guys then proceeded to destroy everything in sight: Cena, Punk, the announcers, and the ring. It was awesome.
However, in the high spirit of the moment, Daniel Bryan choked out ring announcer Justin Roberts with his own tie, and since choking is verboten in the PG-era WWE, Bryan was fired. In storyline, Barrett claimed Bryan has experienced remorse for the NXT guys' actions, and was booted from the group. The NXT faction, now dubbed The Nexus, declared open war on all things WWE, including Vince McMahon, who they beat up on Raw. They then spent the next several months feuding with basically the entire Raw roster, regardless of good/evil affiliation. The Nexus/WWE war culminated in a 7-on-7 tag match at Summerslam, where team Raw introduced its final member as the just-rehired Daniel Bryan. Team Raw won, with Cena pinning Barrett at the finale. Nexus then focused its hatred on Cena, feuding with him for a few months. Cena briefly had to join the group when he lost a match to Barrett with assistance from two eliminated NXT season 2 rookies (yes, at this point NXT season 2 had come and gone), Husky Harris (son of IRS) and Michael McGillicutty (son of Mr. Perfect). Harris and McGillicutty were inducted into Nexus, and some of the shittier members were cut.
Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan went on to feud with his former mentor The Miz for the US Championship, which Bryan eventually won. Miz then went on to win the WWE title, so it all worked out for him. I should mention that I love Bryan's gimmick, which is "short pale Vegan who is secretly an unstoppable submission machine." Think Chris Benoit minus the retrospectively-obvious insanity.
Cena finally got a one-on-one match with Barrett for his freedom at the last PPV, which Cena won. Nexus seemed finished, until none other than CM Punk stepped into the leadership role, usurping Barrett. Punk believed Cena's actions against Nexus were reprehensible (and they were; Cena was booked to be a total dick this whole storyline) and decided to take revenge, turning Nexus into his own personal cult. The members of Nexus have vowed that they will all work together to ensure that CM Punk wins the Royal Rumble. So that's Nexus.
Current Nexus members:
CM Punk
David Otunga (Fiance of Oscar-winner Jennifer Hudson. Kept around solely for that reason.)
Husky Harris
Michael McGillicutty
Skip Sheffield (Has been out with a broken leg for some time now)
Mason Ryan (This guy just joined last week. He's a big Welshman who bears a bizarrely striking resemblance to Batista.)
BUT WAIT. Because the story is not over yet. (Sorry, but a lot has been happening.) Wade Barrett, having been kicked out of Nexus, wandered over to Smackdown, where he attacked The Big Show. He was quickly joined by his former Nexus stablemates Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater, who didn't care for Punk's masochistic, homoerotic Nexus cult and decided to rejoin their old leader. They also teamed up with mandatory big guy Ezekiel Jackson, because they needed a big guy and Jackson has the sort of build that makes Vince pop a boner. Barrett, having seen the error of his selfish ways when leading Nexus, dubbed his new group The Corre (misspelled so WWE could trademark it), and claimed that his was a group of equals, with no one true leader. The Corre has sworn that in the Rumble it will be every man for himself, with no hard feelings. They also don't like Nexus. The Corre's promos seem to indicate that they might wind up as good guys, but that's not official yet. That's probably a good idea for Slater and Gabriel, who are literal babyfaces who look like they could easily front a boy band. So that's The Corre.
Current Corre members:
Wade Barrett
Justin Gabriel (Babyfaced South African high-flyer, with the only decent finisher from the entire Nexus/Corre crew. It's a sweet 450 splash.)
Heath Slater (Babyfaced Souther ginger. Has a ridiculous voice.)
Ezekiel Jackson (Had nothing to do with Nexus, but now he's with these guys.)
Whew! That was a lot. Sorry about that.
OTHER FOLKS OF NOTE
Alberto Del Rio - I'd be remiss if I didn't mention this guy. He's been getting a huge push on Smackdown and will probably be a big deal in the Rumble. His gimmick is "arrogant Mexican aristocrat". He drives a different classic car to the ring every time he enters, and he has his own Spanish-language ring announcer. He likes to refer to the audience as "peasants". He is awesome.
Sheamus - Remember this guy? Irish, extremely pale? He got a lot better in 2010, but just recently he became King of the Ring so they've been having him dress up like an LOTR reject. It's a bad idea. The "actually thinks he's a king" gimmick only really worked with King Booker. King Booker ruled.
John Morrison - He's been getting a pretty solid push on Raw, feuding with (and beating!) former World Champ Sheamus and having an awesome Last Man Standing title match with The Miz on TV. He's still won't win the Rumble, though.
Okay, I think that's more than enough.
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
THE MIZ (C) vs RANDY ORTON
Aw, The Miz is champ! Isn't that sweet? No one thought he would make it. That guy's worked his ass off and is living the dream. Good on him.
Anyway, The Miz won a Money in the Bank briefcase and cashed it in on a weakened Randy Orton. He's managed to elude Orton for a few months now, but now Randy's got another shot. Not a very complicated story. I guess the last time you saw Orton he was a bad guy. No longer! WWE gave in to audience demand and turned Orton face shortly after Wrestlemania. Audiences FLIP THE FUCK OUT for Randy Orton. I have no idea why.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
EDGE (C) vs DOLPH ZIGGLER
How decimated was the Smackdown roster this year? So decimated that they had to make KANE champ! For like five months! In 2010! They even brought back Paul Bearer for a little while! Anyway, Kane was champ and had some terrible title matches with Undertaker (who was too injured to come back full time and win the title), but finally dropped the title to Edge at the last PPV. Since Wrestlemania, Edge turned heel, but then had to turn back face when he got bumped to Smackdown due to there being almost no main event guys on Smackdown.
And aw, Dolph Ziggler's in a championship match! Isn't that sweet? Ziggler's a great wrestler and a decent talker, so it's nice that he's getting this shot. He's also managed by Edge's ex-wife/insane heat magnet Vickie Guerrero, so that's a little story they've got going. Anyway, it's nice that WWE is giving Ziggler this opportunity, but he will not win in a million years.
DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
NATALYA (C) VS MICHELLE MCCOOL AND LAYLA
One thing the WWE did right in 2010 was realize that 2 women's belts was WAY TOO FUCKING MANY, and got rid of one. Unfortunately the one they got rid of was the historic Women's Championship, leaving only the newer Divas title (unaffectionally referred to as the "tramp stamp belt").
Natalya Neidhart (daughter of "The Anvil") is the champ, and since she's built like a brick shithouse she's being challenged by both Michelle McCool and Layla (aka "Laycool"), still doing their "mean girls" gimmick. Should be short.
THE ROYAL RUMBLE
A few different stories here. Woof, okay. I need to talk about Nexus now. And to do that, I need to talk about NXT.
When ECW's ratings on SciFi fell off, WWE tried to mix things up by replacing ECW with NXT. NXT is a weird wrestling/scripted reality show hybrid where WWE took a group of guys from its FCW training league and had them compete for a shot to become a real WWE superstar. They paired up each of these "rookies" with a WWE "pro" mentor, and had them do stupid obstacle courses and wrestle one another. I use quotes in those descriptors because among the "rookies" was indie wrestler Bryan Danielson (rechristened by the WWE as Daniel Bryan), who's had 10 years in the business and is widely regarded as one of the best wrestlers in North America. Bryan was assigned The Miz as his pro, which resulted in much conflict and hilarity.
NXT was weird as hell. Some of the rookies clearly were not ready for television, and the pros would often break character to talk shit about rookies who obviously sucked in the ring. After a number of weeks, intimidating Englishman Wade Barrett (whose pro was Chris Jericho) was declared the winner. On the next Raw, Barrett came down the ramp during a Cena/CM Punk main event, but was soon joined by all the eliminated NXT rookies, who emerged from the audience. The NXT guys then proceeded to destroy everything in sight: Cena, Punk, the announcers, and the ring. It was awesome.
However, in the high spirit of the moment, Daniel Bryan choked out ring announcer Justin Roberts with his own tie, and since choking is verboten in the PG-era WWE, Bryan was fired. In storyline, Barrett claimed Bryan has experienced remorse for the NXT guys' actions, and was booted from the group. The NXT faction, now dubbed The Nexus, declared open war on all things WWE, including Vince McMahon, who they beat up on Raw. They then spent the next several months feuding with basically the entire Raw roster, regardless of good/evil affiliation. The Nexus/WWE war culminated in a 7-on-7 tag match at Summerslam, where team Raw introduced its final member as the just-rehired Daniel Bryan. Team Raw won, with Cena pinning Barrett at the finale. Nexus then focused its hatred on Cena, feuding with him for a few months. Cena briefly had to join the group when he lost a match to Barrett with assistance from two eliminated NXT season 2 rookies (yes, at this point NXT season 2 had come and gone), Husky Harris (son of IRS) and Michael McGillicutty (son of Mr. Perfect). Harris and McGillicutty were inducted into Nexus, and some of the shittier members were cut.
Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan went on to feud with his former mentor The Miz for the US Championship, which Bryan eventually won. Miz then went on to win the WWE title, so it all worked out for him. I should mention that I love Bryan's gimmick, which is "short pale Vegan who is secretly an unstoppable submission machine." Think Chris Benoit minus the retrospectively-obvious insanity.
Cena finally got a one-on-one match with Barrett for his freedom at the last PPV, which Cena won. Nexus seemed finished, until none other than CM Punk stepped into the leadership role, usurping Barrett. Punk believed Cena's actions against Nexus were reprehensible (and they were; Cena was booked to be a total dick this whole storyline) and decided to take revenge, turning Nexus into his own personal cult. The members of Nexus have vowed that they will all work together to ensure that CM Punk wins the Royal Rumble. So that's Nexus.
Current Nexus members:
CM Punk
David Otunga (Fiance of Oscar-winner Jennifer Hudson. Kept around solely for that reason.)
Husky Harris
Michael McGillicutty
Skip Sheffield (Has been out with a broken leg for some time now)
Mason Ryan (This guy just joined last week. He's a big Welshman who bears a bizarrely striking resemblance to Batista.)
BUT WAIT. Because the story is not over yet. (Sorry, but a lot has been happening.) Wade Barrett, having been kicked out of Nexus, wandered over to Smackdown, where he attacked The Big Show. He was quickly joined by his former Nexus stablemates Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater, who didn't care for Punk's masochistic, homoerotic Nexus cult and decided to rejoin their old leader. They also teamed up with mandatory big guy Ezekiel Jackson, because they needed a big guy and Jackson has the sort of build that makes Vince pop a boner. Barrett, having seen the error of his selfish ways when leading Nexus, dubbed his new group The Corre (misspelled so WWE could trademark it), and claimed that his was a group of equals, with no one true leader. The Corre has sworn that in the Rumble it will be every man for himself, with no hard feelings. They also don't like Nexus. The Corre's promos seem to indicate that they might wind up as good guys, but that's not official yet. That's probably a good idea for Slater and Gabriel, who are literal babyfaces who look like they could easily front a boy band. So that's The Corre.
Current Corre members:
Wade Barrett
Justin Gabriel (Babyfaced South African high-flyer, with the only decent finisher from the entire Nexus/Corre crew. It's a sweet 450 splash.)
Heath Slater (Babyfaced Souther ginger. Has a ridiculous voice.)
Ezekiel Jackson (Had nothing to do with Nexus, but now he's with these guys.)
Whew! That was a lot. Sorry about that.
OTHER FOLKS OF NOTE
Alberto Del Rio - I'd be remiss if I didn't mention this guy. He's been getting a huge push on Smackdown and will probably be a big deal in the Rumble. His gimmick is "arrogant Mexican aristocrat". He drives a different classic car to the ring every time he enters, and he has his own Spanish-language ring announcer. He likes to refer to the audience as "peasants". He is awesome.
Sheamus - Remember this guy? Irish, extremely pale? He got a lot better in 2010, but just recently he became King of the Ring so they've been having him dress up like an LOTR reject. It's a bad idea. The "actually thinks he's a king" gimmick only really worked with King Booker. King Booker ruled.
John Morrison - He's been getting a pretty solid push on Raw, feuding with (and beating!) former World Champ Sheamus and having an awesome Last Man Standing title match with The Miz on TV. He's still won't win the Rumble, though.
Okay, I think that's more than enough.
Friday, March 26, 2010
The Wrestlemania Build
Some of the folks who are coming over for Wrestlemania this weekend wanted a little backstory about some of the big matches taking place on the card. Since there's been a PPV since folks last came over for the Royal Rumble, I am happy to oblige them.
SHAWN MICHAELS VS THE UNDERTAKER
CAREER VS STREAK
NO DQ, NO COUNTOUT - MATCH CAN ONLY END BY PINFALL OR SUBMISSION
The Undertaker is undeafated at Wrestlemania, and the last few years his matches there have mostly centered around wrestlers who want to make a name for themselves by ending the streak. Michaels was last year's challenger, and he lost clean. Cut to a few months ago, when Michaels challenged Undertaker to a rematch. Taker, who was World Heavyweight Champion at the time, told Michaels he would wrestle him anytime, except not at Wrestlemania, since Michaels had had his chance and lost. This drove Shawn Michaels CRAZY. As you saw at the Royal Rumble, Michaels turned on his tag team partner Triple H, eliminating him, and when Michaels was eventually eliminated by Batista, he superkicked the referees who tried to get him to leave the ring. Michaels was so distracted by his need to face Undertaker that he wound up costing DX the Unified Tag Team belts against Miz and The Big Show, and also losing an Elimination Chamber qualifying match to Randy Orton. At the Elimination Chamber PPV, Undertaker was about to win the Smackdown Chamber match and retain his title when Michaels emerged from under the ring and superkicked Taker, allowing Chris Jericho to get the pin and become the new champion. Michaels confronted Taker on Raw the next night, claiming that since Taker was no longer champion, he had no reason not to face Michaels at Mania. Undertaker agreed to the match on one condition: that Michaels put his career on the line. Michaels agreed. Since then, each has been trying to get in the other's head - beating up midcarders, showing up on the other's show to deliver finishing moves, that sort of thing.
BATISTA (C) VS JOHN CENA
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Batista turned heel a few months ago, creating a great "It's all about me" gimmick where he demands a spotlight for all his ring entrances and promos. I've never really cared for Batista but this character has really clicked. Meanwhile, John Cena is John Cena. At the Elimination Chamber PPV, John Cena was the last man standing in the Raw Elimination Chamber, beating five other guys and becoming the new WWE Champion. However, immediately after the match Vince McMahon (looking for revenge for Cena's support of Bret Hart) came out and declared that Cena would have to immediately defend his title against Batista. Batista destroyed the weakened Cena and became the new champion. In the rematch, Batista immediately kicked Cena in the balls for the DQ and then proceeded to spend 10 minutes just totally destroying him. Later, Cena wanted to know why Dave would be so mean to him, so Batista explained that while the two of them rose in the WWE ranks simultaneously (they both won World title at Wrestlemania 21), for some reason Cena became the face of the WWE, while Batista never got the recognition or, most importantly, money he felt he deserved. So Batista agreed to be Vince's hired gun. Basically, Batista hates Cena and Cena wants his title back. Oh, and Cena has never beaten Batista in a singles match. This is basically a match between the two biggest stars of the current wrestling era and the WWE has been promoting it as such.
CHRIS JERICHO (C) VS EDGE
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Many months ago, Edge and Chris Jericho were the Unified Tag Team Champions. Edge, despite having been the top heel in the company of several years, was starting to get a lot more cheers than boos. Then Edge tore his achilles tendon at a house show and had to vacate his half of the titles. Jericho promptly replaced him with The Big Show and cut a promo about how Edge was the weak link in their team who was holding Jericho back. Edge then cut a promo from his hospital bed, vowing revenge. Cut to the Royal Rumble, where Edge made a surprise early return from injury and won the Rumble, earning a title shot. Edge opted to wait to decide which title to challenge for after seeing the results of the Elimination Chamber PPV. As I mentioned earlier, Shawn Michaels interfered in the Smackdown chamber, allowing Jericho to become the new champ. Edge then challenged Jericho the next night on Raw. The build for this one's been pretty lackluster honestly, which is pretty disappointing since these are two of the best guys in the business. Mostly it's just been Jericho mocking Edge for being injury prone, then Edge spearing Jericho and getting the crown to chant "Spear!" That's basically it. Regardless, both these guys are awesome and should pull out a great match.
BRET HART VS VINCE MCMAHON
NO HOLDS BARRED
You guys have heard of the Montreal Screwjob, right? No? Well, you can read all about it here. In short, Bret Hart, one of the biggest WWE guys of the 90's, was legitimately screwed out of his World Title by Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels because Vince was worried that Hart was going to jump to rival WCW and take the World Title with him (WWE was in dire financial straights at the time and could not afford such a thing to happen). IAnyway, Bret Hart did wind up in WCW and then retired a few years later. He was understandably bitter about the whole thing and vowed not to return to the WWE. That is, until a few months ago, when he guest-hosted Raw. This was a crazy-big deal for longtime fans, since Bret hadn't been in a WWE ring in 12 years. He promptly buried the hatchet with Shawn Michaels with a handshake and a manly hug, and then tried to do the same with Vince. Vince just kicked Bret in the balls and yelled "You deserved to be screwed!" In short, Bret wants to put the past behind him but Vince is just a huge dickwad. There were some dumb shenanigans about Bret having to fake a broken leg in order to get Vince to agree to the match, but let's not talk about that. The match will be very very short, since Bret is not in the best shape these days. It will end with Bret giving Vince his Sharpshooter submission finisher in the middle of the ring, and everyone in the stadium over 30 will mark the fuck out.
CM PUNK VS REY MYSTERIO
IF REY LOSES, HE MUST JOIN THE STRAIGHT EDGE SOCIETY
I can't even remember why Punk started hassling Mysterio. He was around, and Punk didn't like him. Punk upped the stakes considerably when Mysterio brought out his family on Smackdown and had the crowd sing 'Happy Birthday' to his 9-year-old daughter, only to be interrupted by Punk. Let's just watch it, because it's gold.
Anyway, Punk did that, then declared that Mysterio was a coward for not facing him. Mysterio wanted their match to be a street fight, but Punk had Mysterio face Luke Gallows, claiming that he would only agree to the street fight if Mysterio won. If Mysterio lost, their match at Wrestlemania would determine whether or not Mysterio would have to join Punk's Straight Edge Society. Punk lost to Gallows (after much interference from Punk and Serena), so now if he loses this match, he'll have to join the SES. Should be awesome.
TRIPLE H VS SHEAMUS
You might remember Sheamus as the pale Irishman who was WWE champion at the Royal Rumble. He lost his title in the Raw elimination chamber and was eliminated by Triple H. Thus, match. Sheamus wants to make a name for himself, and Triple H is the biggest name who wasn't busy elsewhere. That's really it.
THE MIZ & BIG SHOW (C) VS JOHN MORRISON AND R-TRUTH
UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS MATCH
No real story here. Morrison and Truth won a triple-threat to qualify, and that's basically it. They're good guys, Miz and Show are bad guys. Move along.
RANDY ORTON VS TED DIBIASE VS CODY RHODES
TRIPLE THREAT MATCH
All the guys in Legacy fight. Legacy has been teasing dissension basically since they got together, and this is finally the (shitty) payoff. The original plan months ago was to eventually turn Ted Dibiase face, but someone must have realized he has all the charisma and wrestling ability of a doorstop, because they ditched that plan. I guess management finally just heart the increasing number of cheers Orton was getting, said 'Fuck it', and decided he'd be the one to go face. This basically screws Dibiase and Rhodes, who have always been portrayed as scrubs who get beat up by guys looking to get at Orton, but what are you gonna do?
MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH
KOFI KINGSTON VS CHRISTIAN VS MVP VS EVAN BOURNE VS JACK SWAGGER VS DOLPH ZIGGLER VS DREW MCINTYRE VS KANE VS MATT HARDY VS SHELTON BENJAMIN
That's a ton of dudes! Again, no story here. 10 dudes want the title shot in the briefcase, and they will do crazy shit with ladders to get it. No idea who might win this one.
10-DIVA TAG MATCH
Five good women fight five bad women. There you go.
See you Sunday!
SHAWN MICHAELS VS THE UNDERTAKER
CAREER VS STREAK
NO DQ, NO COUNTOUT - MATCH CAN ONLY END BY PINFALL OR SUBMISSION
The Undertaker is undeafated at Wrestlemania, and the last few years his matches there have mostly centered around wrestlers who want to make a name for themselves by ending the streak. Michaels was last year's challenger, and he lost clean. Cut to a few months ago, when Michaels challenged Undertaker to a rematch. Taker, who was World Heavyweight Champion at the time, told Michaels he would wrestle him anytime, except not at Wrestlemania, since Michaels had had his chance and lost. This drove Shawn Michaels CRAZY. As you saw at the Royal Rumble, Michaels turned on his tag team partner Triple H, eliminating him, and when Michaels was eventually eliminated by Batista, he superkicked the referees who tried to get him to leave the ring. Michaels was so distracted by his need to face Undertaker that he wound up costing DX the Unified Tag Team belts against Miz and The Big Show, and also losing an Elimination Chamber qualifying match to Randy Orton. At the Elimination Chamber PPV, Undertaker was about to win the Smackdown Chamber match and retain his title when Michaels emerged from under the ring and superkicked Taker, allowing Chris Jericho to get the pin and become the new champion. Michaels confronted Taker on Raw the next night, claiming that since Taker was no longer champion, he had no reason not to face Michaels at Mania. Undertaker agreed to the match on one condition: that Michaels put his career on the line. Michaels agreed. Since then, each has been trying to get in the other's head - beating up midcarders, showing up on the other's show to deliver finishing moves, that sort of thing.
BATISTA (C) VS JOHN CENA
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Batista turned heel a few months ago, creating a great "It's all about me" gimmick where he demands a spotlight for all his ring entrances and promos. I've never really cared for Batista but this character has really clicked. Meanwhile, John Cena is John Cena. At the Elimination Chamber PPV, John Cena was the last man standing in the Raw Elimination Chamber, beating five other guys and becoming the new WWE Champion. However, immediately after the match Vince McMahon (looking for revenge for Cena's support of Bret Hart) came out and declared that Cena would have to immediately defend his title against Batista. Batista destroyed the weakened Cena and became the new champion. In the rematch, Batista immediately kicked Cena in the balls for the DQ and then proceeded to spend 10 minutes just totally destroying him. Later, Cena wanted to know why Dave would be so mean to him, so Batista explained that while the two of them rose in the WWE ranks simultaneously (they both won World title at Wrestlemania 21), for some reason Cena became the face of the WWE, while Batista never got the recognition or, most importantly, money he felt he deserved. So Batista agreed to be Vince's hired gun. Basically, Batista hates Cena and Cena wants his title back. Oh, and Cena has never beaten Batista in a singles match. This is basically a match between the two biggest stars of the current wrestling era and the WWE has been promoting it as such.
CHRIS JERICHO (C) VS EDGE
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Many months ago, Edge and Chris Jericho were the Unified Tag Team Champions. Edge, despite having been the top heel in the company of several years, was starting to get a lot more cheers than boos. Then Edge tore his achilles tendon at a house show and had to vacate his half of the titles. Jericho promptly replaced him with The Big Show and cut a promo about how Edge was the weak link in their team who was holding Jericho back. Edge then cut a promo from his hospital bed, vowing revenge. Cut to the Royal Rumble, where Edge made a surprise early return from injury and won the Rumble, earning a title shot. Edge opted to wait to decide which title to challenge for after seeing the results of the Elimination Chamber PPV. As I mentioned earlier, Shawn Michaels interfered in the Smackdown chamber, allowing Jericho to become the new champ. Edge then challenged Jericho the next night on Raw. The build for this one's been pretty lackluster honestly, which is pretty disappointing since these are two of the best guys in the business. Mostly it's just been Jericho mocking Edge for being injury prone, then Edge spearing Jericho and getting the crown to chant "Spear!" That's basically it. Regardless, both these guys are awesome and should pull out a great match.
BRET HART VS VINCE MCMAHON
NO HOLDS BARRED
You guys have heard of the Montreal Screwjob, right? No? Well, you can read all about it here. In short, Bret Hart, one of the biggest WWE guys of the 90's, was legitimately screwed out of his World Title by Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels because Vince was worried that Hart was going to jump to rival WCW and take the World Title with him (WWE was in dire financial straights at the time and could not afford such a thing to happen). IAnyway, Bret Hart did wind up in WCW and then retired a few years later. He was understandably bitter about the whole thing and vowed not to return to the WWE. That is, until a few months ago, when he guest-hosted Raw. This was a crazy-big deal for longtime fans, since Bret hadn't been in a WWE ring in 12 years. He promptly buried the hatchet with Shawn Michaels with a handshake and a manly hug, and then tried to do the same with Vince. Vince just kicked Bret in the balls and yelled "You deserved to be screwed!" In short, Bret wants to put the past behind him but Vince is just a huge dickwad. There were some dumb shenanigans about Bret having to fake a broken leg in order to get Vince to agree to the match, but let's not talk about that. The match will be very very short, since Bret is not in the best shape these days. It will end with Bret giving Vince his Sharpshooter submission finisher in the middle of the ring, and everyone in the stadium over 30 will mark the fuck out.
CM PUNK VS REY MYSTERIO
IF REY LOSES, HE MUST JOIN THE STRAIGHT EDGE SOCIETY
I can't even remember why Punk started hassling Mysterio. He was around, and Punk didn't like him. Punk upped the stakes considerably when Mysterio brought out his family on Smackdown and had the crowd sing 'Happy Birthday' to his 9-year-old daughter, only to be interrupted by Punk. Let's just watch it, because it's gold.
Anyway, Punk did that, then declared that Mysterio was a coward for not facing him. Mysterio wanted their match to be a street fight, but Punk had Mysterio face Luke Gallows, claiming that he would only agree to the street fight if Mysterio won. If Mysterio lost, their match at Wrestlemania would determine whether or not Mysterio would have to join Punk's Straight Edge Society. Punk lost to Gallows (after much interference from Punk and Serena), so now if he loses this match, he'll have to join the SES. Should be awesome.
TRIPLE H VS SHEAMUS
You might remember Sheamus as the pale Irishman who was WWE champion at the Royal Rumble. He lost his title in the Raw elimination chamber and was eliminated by Triple H. Thus, match. Sheamus wants to make a name for himself, and Triple H is the biggest name who wasn't busy elsewhere. That's really it.
THE MIZ & BIG SHOW (C) VS JOHN MORRISON AND R-TRUTH
UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS MATCH
No real story here. Morrison and Truth won a triple-threat to qualify, and that's basically it. They're good guys, Miz and Show are bad guys. Move along.
RANDY ORTON VS TED DIBIASE VS CODY RHODES
TRIPLE THREAT MATCH
All the guys in Legacy fight. Legacy has been teasing dissension basically since they got together, and this is finally the (shitty) payoff. The original plan months ago was to eventually turn Ted Dibiase face, but someone must have realized he has all the charisma and wrestling ability of a doorstop, because they ditched that plan. I guess management finally just heart the increasing number of cheers Orton was getting, said 'Fuck it', and decided he'd be the one to go face. This basically screws Dibiase and Rhodes, who have always been portrayed as scrubs who get beat up by guys looking to get at Orton, but what are you gonna do?
MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH
KOFI KINGSTON VS CHRISTIAN VS MVP VS EVAN BOURNE VS JACK SWAGGER VS DOLPH ZIGGLER VS DREW MCINTYRE VS KANE VS MATT HARDY VS SHELTON BENJAMIN
That's a ton of dudes! Again, no story here. 10 dudes want the title shot in the briefcase, and they will do crazy shit with ladders to get it. No idea who might win this one.
10-DIVA TAG MATCH
Five good women fight five bad women. There you go.
See you Sunday!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I Got New Glasses
So naturally, I thought of this:
Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No...he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then
I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.
Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No...he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then
I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.
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