So naturally, I thought of this:
Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No...he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then
I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
The Couples Retreat Billboard Is Misleading
I don't know about you, but until a few days ago I knew next to nothing about the upcoming film Couples Retreat. Warner Brothers rents ad space on a building right by my house, and when the Couples Retreat ad went up, I honestly thought the movie was some sort of slasher/thriller.
Look how dour everyone is! Sure, upon closer inspection you can see that Kristen Bell* is making a funny face, but if you were to just glance at it, everyone looks really grim. And the tagline "It may be paradise... but it's no vacation" could easily be from a slasher movie rather than a comedy about couples who hate each other. (I guess? I seriously only have the barest inkling of what the movie is about.)
And unlike the image above, the ad near my house lists Vince Vaughn's name above the title, making it seem like he's the only actor in the movie anyone might have heard of. That guy's been in dramas! Maybe he had a house payment to make so he had to do this quicky thriller. Sure, you might notice Jon Favreau on a second glance, but he's been in dramas, too. It takes quite a bit of looking to recognize Jason Bateman and start to think that maybe this is some sort of comedy.
What I'm saying is that if you had not heard of this movie and only sort of paid attention to the ad, it's possible that it could look like a movie where some of these people are killed with a knife.
*I didn't know Kristen Bell was in this movie until I hit Google Image Search to find the billboard image. If Google is to be believed, she spends this entire movie in a bikini. This makes me want to see the movie 25% more than I did before. Unfortunately, 25% of zero is still zero.
Look how dour everyone is! Sure, upon closer inspection you can see that Kristen Bell* is making a funny face, but if you were to just glance at it, everyone looks really grim. And the tagline "It may be paradise... but it's no vacation" could easily be from a slasher movie rather than a comedy about couples who hate each other. (I guess? I seriously only have the barest inkling of what the movie is about.)
And unlike the image above, the ad near my house lists Vince Vaughn's name above the title, making it seem like he's the only actor in the movie anyone might have heard of. That guy's been in dramas! Maybe he had a house payment to make so he had to do this quicky thriller. Sure, you might notice Jon Favreau on a second glance, but he's been in dramas, too. It takes quite a bit of looking to recognize Jason Bateman and start to think that maybe this is some sort of comedy.
What I'm saying is that if you had not heard of this movie and only sort of paid attention to the ad, it's possible that it could look like a movie where some of these people are killed with a knife.
*I didn't know Kristen Bell was in this movie until I hit Google Image Search to find the billboard image. If Google is to be believed, she spends this entire movie in a bikini. This makes me want to see the movie 25% more than I did before. Unfortunately, 25% of zero is still zero.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Things I Notice
So, we all know that the single greatest episode of Project Runway is the one where the designers have to make outfits for the WWE Divas. No, don't second-guess me on this. It is the GREATEST EPISODE. Not just of Project Runway, but possibly of any reality show, ever. Seriously. Take a look.
Anyway, I wouldn't blame you if you thought that episode would be the only cross-over between Project Runway and the WWE. But you'd be wrong!
Because while he was recently out with injuries, mid-card staple Matt Hardy...
...apparently snuck onto the new season as a contestant, claiming to be one "Christopher Straub."
OH YEEEEEEEEEAH! Obviously, Matt wanted to remain incognito for his little dalliance into the world of fashion, and assumed that surely no one out there paid close attention of both reality fashion competitions and professional wrestling. Little did he know! But it's okay, Matt. Your secret is safe with me and this blog's three readers.
Anyway, I wouldn't blame you if you thought that episode would be the only cross-over between Project Runway and the WWE. But you'd be wrong!
Because while he was recently out with injuries, mid-card staple Matt Hardy...
...apparently snuck onto the new season as a contestant, claiming to be one "Christopher Straub."
OH YEEEEEEEEEAH! Obviously, Matt wanted to remain incognito for his little dalliance into the world of fashion, and assumed that surely no one out there paid close attention of both reality fashion competitions and professional wrestling. Little did he know! But it's okay, Matt. Your secret is safe with me and this blog's three readers.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Part Deux
There's plenty of complaint-fodder in Empire Magazine's list of the 50 greatest sequels, but probably the most egregious entry is for The French Connection II, which shouldn't be on the list in the first place, let alone at #16.
For those not familiar with The French Connection II, it plays just like one of those joke sequel pitches at the beginning of The Player. "So Popeye gets addicted to heroin, but he kicks it through SHEER FORCE OF WILL. Then, remember that French guy who got away at the end of the first movie? Popeye totally gets to shoot him in the face."
Also, Aliens at #1? I like that movie, but c'mon, guys.
For those not familiar with The French Connection II, it plays just like one of those joke sequel pitches at the beginning of The Player. "So Popeye gets addicted to heroin, but he kicks it through SHEER FORCE OF WILL. Then, remember that French guy who got away at the end of the first movie? Popeye totally gets to shoot him in the face."
Also, Aliens at #1? I like that movie, but c'mon, guys.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Ponyo, Again
The ever-reliable Joe McCulloch reviews Ponyo in his estimable style. A quick quote:
"Ponyo relies on a quiet sort of surrealism, blending unexplained adult actions with some archetypical images, so as to communicate with its audience of young children on a primal level."
Yeah, that's exactly right.
"Ponyo relies on a quiet sort of surrealism, blending unexplained adult actions with some archetypical images, so as to communicate with its audience of young children on a primal level."
Yeah, that's exactly right.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Weird
You know what's a weird movie? A Knight's Tale. Who the hell greenlit that movie?
"Yeah, so it's a reworking of Chaucer, except Chaucer's actually in the movie as a character and he's sort of a wisecracking con man."
"Go on."
"And all the music's going to be modern music. Like all the peasants sing "We Will Rock You" and people dance around to "Golden Years.""
"This sounds amazing."
"Oh, and the whole thing is probably going to be two-and-a-half hours long. At least."
"I am willing to give you as much money as you need to get this project off the ground."
More important mystery: why am I thinking about A Knight's Tale? That shit came out 8 years ago.
"Yeah, so it's a reworking of Chaucer, except Chaucer's actually in the movie as a character and he's sort of a wisecracking con man."
"Go on."
"And all the music's going to be modern music. Like all the peasants sing "We Will Rock You" and people dance around to "Golden Years.""
"This sounds amazing."
"Oh, and the whole thing is probably going to be two-and-a-half hours long. At least."
"I am willing to give you as much money as you need to get this project off the ground."
More important mystery: why am I thinking about A Knight's Tale? That shit came out 8 years ago.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Joy to the Power of HAM
So, Ponyo. This movie is great because someone like me can enjoy it on two levels. One the one hand, it's a sweet, funny fairy tale that distinguishes itself by obeying its own internal dreamy kid-logic. On the other hand, it's totally batshit insane, the sort of movie that could launch a thousand Cracked.com articles. This is a movie you could watch with your kids one night, and then blaze up and watch with your deadbeat friends the next. And it's 100% successful on both levels!
There are going to be a few SPOILERS ahead, and honestly, this movie's probably better the less you know about it ahead of time.
Ponyo, a loose adaptation of "The Little Mermaid", is the story of a little goldfish who defies her sea-wizard father and ventures to the surface of the ocean, where she is discovered by a curious little boy. Ponyo falls in love (albeit cute, non-sexy, five-year-old love, not the Ariel chest-thrusting sort) and decides the sea is for suckers. Unfortunately, Ponyo's attempts to become human upset the balance of nature and things start to go seriously awry.
Pretty straight-forward, right? NO, NOT AT ALL. When Ponyo decides to go full-human and chase down Sosuke, the little boy she's enamored with, she does so by causing a FREAKING TSUNAMI, almost completely submerging the coastal town in which Sosuke lives. WHOOPS. And nobody cares! I guess I should mention that the tsunami sequence is probably the best single scene I've seen in a movie all year. Seriously, it is completely exhilarating. But still, she wipes out that whole town. It's the sort of scene where as you're watching it you're like "Wow, this is amazing!" and then later you think "Jesus, that was insane!"
Everyone and everything in the movie obeys this weird dream-logic. Like, as the storm is happening, Sosuke's mom drives very recklessly and takes crazy risks in order to make sure that she and Sosuke make it home okay. Only once she's home for like 10 minutes she decides she needs to head back to the nursing home where she works in order to check on the old people. THAT'S WHERE YOU JUST CAME FROM LADY! YOU NEARLY DIED GETTING HOME! And when Ponyo appears before Sosuke now fully-human, he exclaims "Mom! Ponyo's back and she's a girl now!" And then the mom just rolls with it! Like "Well, so she is!" WHAT. SHE WAS A GOLDFISH LAST TIME YOU SAW HER THAT IS TOTALLY CRAZY.
Meanwhile, the moon is about to crash into the earth.
Also, Ponyo loves ham and that's basically all she talks about. Like, she screams "HAM!" at the top of her lungs. All the time.
Oh, and Ponyo's wizard father vows to wipe out humanity and then forgets about it.
And I haven't even mentioned Ponyo's adorably/horrifying sisters. (Yes, they are all just miniature versions of Ponyo.)
You see what I'm talking about. Listen, this movie definitely isn't for everyone. If you're like, say, this guy, you might find this movie to be a cornucopia of horrors. But if you're willing to go with the flow (not even a pun, I swear to God), you might wind up like me, loving this movie and wanting to marry it.
BONUS: The dance sensation of 2009!
There are going to be a few SPOILERS ahead, and honestly, this movie's probably better the less you know about it ahead of time.
Ponyo, a loose adaptation of "The Little Mermaid", is the story of a little goldfish who defies her sea-wizard father and ventures to the surface of the ocean, where she is discovered by a curious little boy. Ponyo falls in love (albeit cute, non-sexy, five-year-old love, not the Ariel chest-thrusting sort) and decides the sea is for suckers. Unfortunately, Ponyo's attempts to become human upset the balance of nature and things start to go seriously awry.
Pretty straight-forward, right? NO, NOT AT ALL. When Ponyo decides to go full-human and chase down Sosuke, the little boy she's enamored with, she does so by causing a FREAKING TSUNAMI, almost completely submerging the coastal town in which Sosuke lives. WHOOPS. And nobody cares! I guess I should mention that the tsunami sequence is probably the best single scene I've seen in a movie all year. Seriously, it is completely exhilarating. But still, she wipes out that whole town. It's the sort of scene where as you're watching it you're like "Wow, this is amazing!" and then later you think "Jesus, that was insane!"
Everyone and everything in the movie obeys this weird dream-logic. Like, as the storm is happening, Sosuke's mom drives very recklessly and takes crazy risks in order to make sure that she and Sosuke make it home okay. Only once she's home for like 10 minutes she decides she needs to head back to the nursing home where she works in order to check on the old people. THAT'S WHERE YOU JUST CAME FROM LADY! YOU NEARLY DIED GETTING HOME! And when Ponyo appears before Sosuke now fully-human, he exclaims "Mom! Ponyo's back and she's a girl now!" And then the mom just rolls with it! Like "Well, so she is!" WHAT. SHE WAS A GOLDFISH LAST TIME YOU SAW HER THAT IS TOTALLY CRAZY.
Meanwhile, the moon is about to crash into the earth.
Also, Ponyo loves ham and that's basically all she talks about. Like, she screams "HAM!" at the top of her lungs. All the time.
Oh, and Ponyo's wizard father vows to wipe out humanity and then forgets about it.
And I haven't even mentioned Ponyo's adorably/horrifying sisters. (Yes, they are all just miniature versions of Ponyo.)
You see what I'm talking about. Listen, this movie definitely isn't for everyone. If you're like, say, this guy, you might find this movie to be a cornucopia of horrors. But if you're willing to go with the flow (not even a pun, I swear to God), you might wind up like me, loving this movie and wanting to marry it.
BONUS: The dance sensation of 2009!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Hello again
I used to blog a lot. Then I stopped. Now I'm starting again! Except this time, expect much less "And then I stayed at home all weekend and was sad," and much more "Ponyo was insane and I loved it and here's why." Y'know, stuff like that.
I was going to call this blog "Listen, Lady..." like the old one, but someone already took that domain name for an obviously very important purpose.
I was going to call this blog "Listen, Lady..." like the old one, but someone already took that domain name for an obviously very important purpose.
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