Wrestlemania 28

I run down the card so you won't be lost. (Just kidding. It's wrestling! How could you be lost?)

JOHN CENA VS THE ROCK

John Cena is the biggest wrestling star from 2005 to present. The Rock wasn't necessarily the biggest wrestling star before 2005, but he's the biggest star who can still take a flat back bump without dying, so here we are! Despite the amount of airtime this feud has received, there's almost no story here other than "Cena hates Rock because he turned his back on wrestling. Rock thinks Cena's a bitch." But hey, sometimes you don't need a big story if the names are big enough.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
CM PUNK (C) VS CHRIS JERICHO

Before he took his last sabbatical, Jericho claimed he was the "best in the world at what I do". After Punk beat Cena for the title at the Money in the Bank PPV, Punk started claiming "best in the world" status. Now Jericho's back and they're gonna fight! And whoever wins will be the best in the world! That's basically it. Sure, Jericho's been trying to get into Punk's head by bringing up Punk's alcoholic father, but mostly it's just two of the best guys on the roster, wrestling for the title. It doesn't have to be rocket science.

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
DANIEL BRYAN (C) VS SHEAMUS

Daniel Bryan is the dick World Champion with a girlfriend he doesn't deserve. Sheamus is the pale Irish scrapper with the questionably awesome nickname ("The Great White"). I cannot tell a lie, I totally love Bryan's shtick. He over-celebrates EVERYTHING, including his own entrance, where he just yells "YES! YES! YES!" over and over. Sometimes he even yells "YES!" while repeatedly kicking Sheamus in the chest. Again, the story here isn't much (perhaps you're sensing a theme?). Basically it's just "Sheamus won the Royal Rumble and challenged Bryan because Bryan is a dick," but Bryan's a great wrestler and Sheamus can hang with him, so the match should be decent. YES!

TRIPLE H VS UNDERTAKER - HELL IN A CELL W/GUEST REFEREE SHAWN MICHAELS

After last year's acceptable-but-unremarkable effort, they're doing it again! In a cage! With HBK as referee! Undertaker wanted another shot because even though he won last year, Hunter dominated him for most of the match. Hunter was hesitant because he's a WWE corporate guy now and murdering Undertaker in the ring and ending his WM winning streak would be bad for business. Undertaker finally goaded him into it basically by saying "You're afraid, because your buddy Shawn couldn't beat me, and everyone knows that Shawn was always better than you." This sick burn had the storyline advantage of being factually true. After much more talking, we've wound up with Hell in a Cell and Michaels as the ref. If Taker wins, he'll be 20 - 0 at WM, so this could very well be his last match. We'll see! The big upside is that if any two guys had the pull to allow blood on WWE PPV again, it's these guys. Here's hoping.

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP
CODY RHODES(C) VS BIG SHOW

This entire feud has consisted of Cody pointing out that Big Show always loses at Wrestlemania. That is, when he's allowed to be at WM at all. Cody Rhodes: classic asshole.

TEAM JOHNNY (David Otunga, Mark Henry, The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, and Drew McIntyre) VS TEAM TEDDY (Santino Marella, Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Zack Ryder, The Great Khali, and Booker T)

John Laurinaitis is the doofy-yet-evil "Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Monday Night Raw." Yes, he says his full title every time. Teddy Long is the doofy-yet-good General Manager of Smackdown. They've each recruited a team of midcarders to battle for supremacy in a 12-man tag team match, and whoever wins gets to control both shows. John Laurinaitis is about 10 million times more entertaining than Teddy Long, so I'm rooting for Team Johnny.

RANDY ORTON VS KANE

Kane has to fight SOMEONE every Wrestlemania, and this year Orton drew the short straw. I'd tell you what the story is, but I really haven't paid much attention. I fast forward through Kane segments like it's my job.

KELLY KELLY & MARIA MENOUNOS VS BETH PHOENIX & EVE

Ladies fightin', except this time one of the ladies is the host of EXTRA. Yeesh.

That's it! See you Sunday!