Remember how Wrestlemania had kind of a fun undercard but the final two matches were boring horseshit? Now imagine a fun undercard with two main events that are RAD AS HELL, and you've got this year's Summerslam!
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
JOHN CENA VS DANIEL BRYAN
The face of the company vs the best wrestler the company employs! In a rare and startling display of long-term storytelling, WWE has been building Bryan as a legit threat for months, mostly through his involvement in a show-stopping series of six-man tag matches against rookie dynamos The Shield. Sometimes it's frustrating watching these PPVs with you guys, because it often feels like showing you just the third act of a movie and having to describe the first parts. But just let me say that the series of matches The Shield had on Raw against all of the WWE's best were exhilarating. They happened every week, they were all 20 minutes long, the crowd would lose their minds, and The Shield would never lose. That is, until they faced Kane, Randy Ortion, and Daniel Bryan.
It was a big deal. (Note Lillian Garcia's announcement, "The Shield has been defeated!") Over the extended feud with The Shield, Bryan really caught on with the crowd with his dynamic wrestling style and eminently chantable catch-phrase of "Yes! Yes! Yes!" So when John Cena was given carte blanche by weasely RAW general manager Brad Maddox to choose his opponent for Summerslam, Cena obeyed the "Yes!" chanting crowd and chose Bryan. Since then, Vince McMahon has repeatedly expressed his dismay at the possibility of Bryan becoming champion, saying he'd prefer someone with a more refined, corporate image and forcing Bryan to jump through various hoops like getting a "corporate makeover" and a punishing series of gauntlet matches. (That last one saw Bryan wrestle for about 45 minutes straight on one episode of Raw. Oh heck, here's part of his match with Antonion Cesaro, just so you can see Bryan's BOSS reversal of Cesaro's European uppercut into a small package pin.)
The only complication is that Randy Orton won Raw's Money in the Bank briefcase at the last PPV, and he's made it clear that he'd be happy to cash in on a downed opponent. Anyway, Bryan is great, Cena can be great with the right opponent, Orton's prepared to go full-blown heel again, and this match should be given plenty of time. I'm really looking forward to it.
THE BEST VS THE BEAST
CM PUNK VS BROCK LESNAR
Another great storyline that I'll try to sum up for you in much shorter fashion. You may recall that not too long ago, Punk held the WWE title for 434 days (turning heel around the midpoint), and during that time he was managed by his long-time friend, Paul Heyman. You'll definitely recall that Punk eventually lost his championship to The Rock and then also lost his Wrestlemania match against The Undertaker. After these losses, Punk took a few months off to re-evaluate things. When he returned, he turned face again and made it clear that he no longer needed Paul Heyman's help. The next week, Brock Lesnar showed up and attacked Punk. Since Lesnar is also one of Heyman's clients, Punk suspected treachery, but Heyman swore up and down that he had nothing to do with Lesnar's actions. At the Money in the Bank PPV, Punk was poised to win the briefcase when Paul Heyman attacked him with a ladder, costing him the match. The next on Raw, Heyman cut this rad-as-shit promo:
Yes, that does end with Punk basically threatening to kill Paul Heyman and everyone Paul Heyman ever loved. Heyman then brought out Lesnar, and while Punk put up a good fight, Lesnar wound up destroying him. And every subsequent time Punk has tried to get his hands on Heyman, Lesnar shows up and kills him. So basically it's a David vs Goliath story crossed with BETRAYED FRIENDSHIPS. Sometimes simple stories are best. (This story's even better with the knowledge that Heyman really is best friends with both Punk and Lesnar.)
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
ALBERTO DEL RIO VS CHRISTIAN
Christian won a four-way #1 contender's match and here we are! Boy, is the Smackdown main event scene dull!
CODY RHODES VS DAMIEN SANDOW
Rhodes Scholars EXPLODES! Cody Rhodes nearly won the Smackdown Money in the Bank match only to be foiled by his tag team partner and BEST FRIEND Damien Sandow. Rhodes turned face, stole Sandow's contract briefcase, and threw it in the Gulf of Mexico. Then he dredged it up "at great personal expense" just so he could show it off on Raw, dripping and full of seaweed. This is like the Punk/Lesnar match as a Looney Tunes cartoon and I am into it.
RING OF FIRE MATCH
KANE VS BRAY WYATT
I was going to write a big thing pitching you all on Bray Wyatt, The Eater of Worlds, and his evil bayou hillbilly cult The Wyatt Family, but instead I will just let you watch this video (skip to around 1:20).
If you were not on board by the time Wyatt explained that fire could not hurt him because he was already dead, let's just say you and I have very different tastes and leave it at that. Oh, and apparently the ring will be surrounded by fire? C'mon, you're into that. Plus Bray Wyatt looks just like Emory. That's awesome.
DOLPH ZIGGLER & KAITLYN VS BIG E LANGSTON & AJ LEE
Poor Dolph Ziggler. He was world champ a few months ago, then he got a for-real concussion, lost all his momentum, and they transferred the belt back to Del Rio. Now he's feuding with his ex-girlfriend's bodyguard. Meanwhile the Kaitlyn/AJ feud continues into its infinitieth month since basically every other woman WWE employs is on some stupid E! reality show. Still, I like all these guys.
That's it! When the worst-looking match is a probably-perfectly-competent WHC match, things are looking good.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Wrestlemania 29
Once again, I am here for you.
WWE CHAMPSIONSHIP
THE ROCK VS JOHN CENA
ONCE IN A LIFETIME... AGAIN! THIS TIME... FOR THE LAST TIME! (MAYBE!)
You'll recall that Rock won the title at the Royal Rumble while Cena won the Rumble match itself. And here we are! Rock won last year, Cena wants revenge, etc. Hope you guys like REST HOLDS.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
ALBERTO DEL RIO VS JACK SWAGGER
Del Rio turned face a few months back and beat Big Show for the title. Former-World-Champion-turned-midcard-jobber Jack Swagger had been gone several months, taking some time off (while actually having sweet adventures on mars) to get his act together. When Swagger returned, he had a new manager and a hard-line stance on immigration. Swagger won the Smackdown Elimination Chamber match for the right to challenge Del Rio for the title at Mania, and here we are: heroic Mexican guy vs straight-up racist. Perhaps you'd like to buy the racist guy's t-shirt?
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
TEAM HELL NO (Kane & Daniel Bryan) VS DOLPH ZIGGLER (w/AJ Lee) & BIG E LANGSTON
I love Team Hell No, but their act has been stale for awhile now, and I was really hoping they'd turn on each other and fight at Wrestlemania. Instead they're in a holding pattern, battling the perpetually under-used Ziggler and his massive bodyguard, Big E Langson. I will say that I think Ziggler has finally hit on the perfect combo to break to the top of the card: evil girlfriend (AJ Lee, a step up from Vickie Guerrero, whose nuclear heat tends to draw focus from those she manages) and hulking bodyguard (Big E). Ziggler STILL has the Money in the Bank briefcase he can cash in for a few more months, so he doesn't need the tag titles. This match screams "get these guys on the card somehow." Still, I like everyone involved.
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPSIONSHIP
WADE BARRETT VS THE MIZ
WWE does this infuriating thing with its second-tier champions where they lose every non-title match but always pull out a win when the title might actually change hands. And that's the story here: Miz has beat Barrett several times when the title wasn't on the line, can he do it when it is? Probably! Who gives a shit?
TRIPLE H VS BROCK LESNAR (w/Paul Heyman)
NO HOLDS BARRED, IF TRIPLE H LOSES HE MUST RETIRE
Brock Lesnar beat Triple H at Summerslam much to everyone's delight, so obviously THAT CANNOT STAND. Still, could be good. Paul Heyman's involvement is always welcome. ("My client... BRRRROCK LLLLESNAR...gets PAID to HURT PEOPLE.")
THE UNDERTAKER VS CM PUNK
I have no idea what the original plan for this feud was, but Undertaker's long-time manager Paul Bearer died a few weeks back, that's been Punk's focus. He stole Undertaker's urn and ran down Bearer whenever he could. Just old-school dickhead heel stuff. Punk has claimed to be in Undertaker's head, which I think every Taker opponent has claimed since 1997. Can Punk break the streak?!? Ha ha come on of course he can't. Still, he should sell getting destroyed nicely.
THE SHIELD (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns) VS RANDY ORTON, SHEAMUS, AND THE BIG SHOW
This will shock everyone, but The Shield has been around for nearly six months and the WWE has yet to fuck them up. They've won every match they've participated in, and handed out beat-downs to stale top card faces on the reg, and it's been glorious. Once again some random good guys have teamed up to take The Shield out, and I'm hoping they'll be as successful as the other random teams of good guys who have tried. The wrinkle here is that Big Show just turned face, and Orton and Sheamus don't trust him.
RYBACK VS MARK HENRY
The immovable object meets the other immovable object! I never dreamed I'd ever root for Mark Henry, but his current schtick is gold.
CHRIS JERICHO VS FANDANGO
Here's a weird one. Jericho returned at the Rumble and has been doing very little (mostly beating second-tier champions in non-title matches). Fandango and his ballroom dance gimmick debuted a few weeks ago but he has yet to participate in a match, since he refuses to wrestle until someone pronounces his name correctly. Fandango's definite of "correctly" is odd. Y'know, maybe you should just see.
This is obviously a weird comedy gimmick, and for some reason his first real match will be against top guy Chris Jericho on the biggest show of the year. I love it.
TONS OF FUNK & THE FUNKADACTYLS (Brodus Clay, Tensai, Naomi, and Cameron) VS TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS (Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow) & THE BELLA TWINS
Tensai was introduced as a world-destroying villain, but nobody liked him so now he's a dancing fat guy teamed with another dancing fat guy. The Rhodes Scholars broke up a few months ago until someone realized that was a terrible idea, so now they're back, and they brought the returning Bella Twins. Not sure what two dancing fat guys can do against the power of BEST FRIENDS, but I guess we'll see.
See you Sunday!
WWE CHAMPSIONSHIP
THE ROCK VS JOHN CENA
ONCE IN A LIFETIME... AGAIN! THIS TIME... FOR THE LAST TIME! (MAYBE!)
You'll recall that Rock won the title at the Royal Rumble while Cena won the Rumble match itself. And here we are! Rock won last year, Cena wants revenge, etc. Hope you guys like REST HOLDS.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
ALBERTO DEL RIO VS JACK SWAGGER
Del Rio turned face a few months back and beat Big Show for the title. Former-World-Champion-turned-midcard-jobber Jack Swagger had been gone several months, taking some time off (while actually having sweet adventures on mars) to get his act together. When Swagger returned, he had a new manager and a hard-line stance on immigration. Swagger won the Smackdown Elimination Chamber match for the right to challenge Del Rio for the title at Mania, and here we are: heroic Mexican guy vs straight-up racist. Perhaps you'd like to buy the racist guy's t-shirt?
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
TEAM HELL NO (Kane & Daniel Bryan) VS DOLPH ZIGGLER (w/AJ Lee) & BIG E LANGSTON
I love Team Hell No, but their act has been stale for awhile now, and I was really hoping they'd turn on each other and fight at Wrestlemania. Instead they're in a holding pattern, battling the perpetually under-used Ziggler and his massive bodyguard, Big E Langson. I will say that I think Ziggler has finally hit on the perfect combo to break to the top of the card: evil girlfriend (AJ Lee, a step up from Vickie Guerrero, whose nuclear heat tends to draw focus from those she manages) and hulking bodyguard (Big E). Ziggler STILL has the Money in the Bank briefcase he can cash in for a few more months, so he doesn't need the tag titles. This match screams "get these guys on the card somehow." Still, I like everyone involved.
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPSIONSHIP
WADE BARRETT VS THE MIZ
WWE does this infuriating thing with its second-tier champions where they lose every non-title match but always pull out a win when the title might actually change hands. And that's the story here: Miz has beat Barrett several times when the title wasn't on the line, can he do it when it is? Probably! Who gives a shit?
TRIPLE H VS BROCK LESNAR (w/Paul Heyman)
NO HOLDS BARRED, IF TRIPLE H LOSES HE MUST RETIRE
Brock Lesnar beat Triple H at Summerslam much to everyone's delight, so obviously THAT CANNOT STAND. Still, could be good. Paul Heyman's involvement is always welcome. ("My client... BRRRROCK LLLLESNAR...gets PAID to HURT PEOPLE.")
THE UNDERTAKER VS CM PUNK
I have no idea what the original plan for this feud was, but Undertaker's long-time manager Paul Bearer died a few weeks back, that's been Punk's focus. He stole Undertaker's urn and ran down Bearer whenever he could. Just old-school dickhead heel stuff. Punk has claimed to be in Undertaker's head, which I think every Taker opponent has claimed since 1997. Can Punk break the streak?!? Ha ha come on of course he can't. Still, he should sell getting destroyed nicely.
THE SHIELD (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns) VS RANDY ORTON, SHEAMUS, AND THE BIG SHOW
This will shock everyone, but The Shield has been around for nearly six months and the WWE has yet to fuck them up. They've won every match they've participated in, and handed out beat-downs to stale top card faces on the reg, and it's been glorious. Once again some random good guys have teamed up to take The Shield out, and I'm hoping they'll be as successful as the other random teams of good guys who have tried. The wrinkle here is that Big Show just turned face, and Orton and Sheamus don't trust him.
RYBACK VS MARK HENRY
The immovable object meets the other immovable object! I never dreamed I'd ever root for Mark Henry, but his current schtick is gold.
CHRIS JERICHO VS FANDANGO
Here's a weird one. Jericho returned at the Rumble and has been doing very little (mostly beating second-tier champions in non-title matches). Fandango and his ballroom dance gimmick debuted a few weeks ago but he has yet to participate in a match, since he refuses to wrestle until someone pronounces his name correctly. Fandango's definite of "correctly" is odd. Y'know, maybe you should just see.
This is obviously a weird comedy gimmick, and for some reason his first real match will be against top guy Chris Jericho on the biggest show of the year. I love it.
TONS OF FUNK & THE FUNKADACTYLS (Brodus Clay, Tensai, Naomi, and Cameron) VS TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS (Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow) & THE BELLA TWINS
Tensai was introduced as a world-destroying villain, but nobody liked him so now he's a dancing fat guy teamed with another dancing fat guy. The Rhodes Scholars broke up a few months ago until someone realized that was a terrible idea, so now they're back, and they brought the returning Bella Twins. Not sure what two dancing fat guys can do against the power of BEST FRIENDS, but I guess we'll see.
See you Sunday!
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