Summerslam!

Remember how Wrestlemania had kind of a fun undercard but the final two matches were boring horseshit?  Now imagine a fun undercard with two main events that are RAD AS HELL, and you've got this year's Summerslam!

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
JOHN CENA VS DANIEL BRYAN
The face of the company vs the best wrestler the company employs!  In a rare and startling display of long-term storytelling, WWE has been building Bryan as a legit threat for months, mostly through his involvement in a show-stopping series of six-man tag matches against rookie dynamos The Shield.  Sometimes it's frustrating watching these PPVs with you guys, because it often feels like showing you just the third act of a movie and having to describe the first parts.  But just let me say that the series of matches The Shield had on Raw against all of the WWE's best were exhilarating.  They happened every week, they were all 20 minutes long, the crowd would lose their minds, and The Shield would never lose.  That is, until they faced Kane, Randy Ortion, and Daniel Bryan.



It was a big deal. (Note Lillian Garcia's announcement, "The Shield has been defeated!") Over the extended feud with The Shield, Bryan really caught on with the crowd with his dynamic wrestling style and eminently chantable catch-phrase of "Yes! Yes! Yes!" So when John Cena was given carte blanche by weasely RAW general manager Brad Maddox to choose his opponent for Summerslam, Cena obeyed the "Yes!" chanting crowd and chose Bryan. Since then, Vince McMahon has repeatedly expressed his dismay at the possibility of Bryan becoming champion, saying he'd prefer someone with a more refined, corporate image and forcing Bryan to jump through various hoops like getting a "corporate makeover" and a punishing series of gauntlet matches.  (That last one saw Bryan wrestle for about 45 minutes straight on one episode of Raw.  Oh heck, here's part of his match with Antonion Cesaro, just so you can see Bryan's BOSS reversal of Cesaro's European uppercut into a small package pin.)


The only complication is that Randy Orton won Raw's Money in the Bank briefcase at the last PPV, and he's made it clear that he'd be happy to cash in on a downed opponent.  Anyway, Bryan is great, Cena can be great with the right opponent, Orton's prepared to go full-blown heel again, and this match should be given plenty of time.  I'm really looking forward to it.

THE BEST VS THE BEAST
CM PUNK VS BROCK LESNAR
Another great storyline that I'll try to sum up for you in much shorter fashion.  You may recall that not too long ago, Punk held the WWE title for 434 days (turning heel around the midpoint), and during that time he was managed by his long-time friend, Paul Heyman.  You'll definitely recall that Punk eventually lost his championship to The Rock and then also lost his Wrestlemania match against The Undertaker.  After these losses, Punk took a few months off to re-evaluate things.  When he returned, he turned face again and made it clear that he no longer needed Paul Heyman's help.  The next week, Brock Lesnar showed up and attacked Punk.  Since Lesnar is also one of Heyman's clients, Punk suspected treachery, but Heyman swore up and down that he had nothing to do with Lesnar's actions.  At the Money in the Bank PPV, Punk was poised to win the briefcase when Paul Heyman attacked him with a ladder, costing him the match.  The next on Raw, Heyman cut this rad-as-shit promo:



Yes, that does end with Punk basically threatening to kill Paul Heyman and everyone Paul Heyman ever loved.  Heyman then brought out Lesnar, and while Punk put up a good fight, Lesnar wound up destroying him.  And every subsequent time Punk has tried to get his hands on Heyman, Lesnar shows up and kills him.  So basically it's a David vs Goliath story crossed with BETRAYED FRIENDSHIPS.  Sometimes simple stories are best.  (This story's even better with the knowledge that Heyman really is best friends with both Punk and Lesnar.)


WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
ALBERTO DEL RIO VS CHRISTIAN
Christian won a four-way #1 contender's match and here we are!  Boy, is the Smackdown main event scene dull!

CODY RHODES VS DAMIEN SANDOW
Rhodes Scholars EXPLODES!  Cody Rhodes nearly won the Smackdown Money in the Bank match only to be foiled by his tag team partner and BEST FRIEND Damien Sandow.  Rhodes turned face, stole Sandow's contract briefcase, and threw it in the Gulf of Mexico.  Then he dredged it up "at great personal expense" just so he could show it off on Raw, dripping and full of seaweed.  This is like the Punk/Lesnar match as a Looney Tunes cartoon and I am into it.

RING OF FIRE MATCH
KANE VS BRAY WYATT
I was going to write a big thing pitching you all on Bray Wyatt, The Eater of Worlds, and his evil bayou hillbilly cult The Wyatt Family, but instead I will just let you watch this video (skip to around 1:20).



If you were not on board by the time Wyatt explained that fire could not hurt him because he was already dead, let's just say you and I have very different tastes and leave it at that.  Oh, and apparently the ring will be surrounded by fire?  C'mon, you're into that.  Plus Bray Wyatt looks just like Emory.  That's awesome.

DOLPH ZIGGLER & KAITLYN VS BIG E LANGSTON & AJ LEE
Poor Dolph Ziggler.  He was world champ a few months ago, then he got a for-real concussion, lost all his momentum, and they transferred the belt back to Del Rio.  Now he's feuding with his ex-girlfriend's bodyguard.  Meanwhile the Kaitlyn/AJ feud continues into its infinitieth month since basically every other woman WWE employs is on some stupid E! reality show.  Still, I like all these guys.

That's it!  When the worst-looking match is a probably-perfectly-competent WHC match, things are looking good.