Royal Rumble!

And here is a quick rundown of current WWE storylines for those attending the Royal Rumble on Sunday. I'll break it down by match. As I mentioned, there's quite the youth movement going on right now, so expect lots of new names and faces.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
THE MIZ (C) vs RANDY ORTON

Aw, The Miz is champ! Isn't that sweet? No one thought he would make it. That guy's worked his ass off and is living the dream. Good on him.

Anyway, The Miz won a Money in the Bank briefcase and cashed it in on a weakened Randy Orton. He's managed to elude Orton for a few months now, but now Randy's got another shot. Not a very complicated story. I guess the last time you saw Orton he was a bad guy. No longer! WWE gave in to audience demand and turned Orton face shortly after Wrestlemania. Audiences FLIP THE FUCK OUT for Randy Orton. I have no idea why.

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
EDGE (C) vs DOLPH ZIGGLER

How decimated was the Smackdown roster this year? So decimated that they had to make KANE champ! For like five months! In 2010! They even brought back Paul Bearer for a little while! Anyway, Kane was champ and had some terrible title matches with Undertaker (who was too injured to come back full time and win the title), but finally dropped the title to Edge at the last PPV. Since Wrestlemania, Edge turned heel, but then had to turn back face when he got bumped to Smackdown due to there being almost no main event guys on Smackdown.

And aw, Dolph Ziggler's in a championship match! Isn't that sweet? Ziggler's a great wrestler and a decent talker, so it's nice that he's getting this shot. He's also managed by Edge's ex-wife/insane heat magnet Vickie Guerrero, so that's a little story they've got going. Anyway, it's nice that WWE is giving Ziggler this opportunity, but he will not win in a million years.

DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
NATALYA (C) VS MICHELLE MCCOOL AND LAYLA

One thing the WWE did right in 2010 was realize that 2 women's belts was WAY TOO FUCKING MANY, and got rid of one. Unfortunately the one they got rid of was the historic Women's Championship, leaving only the newer Divas title (unaffectionally referred to as the "tramp stamp belt").

Natalya Neidhart (daughter of "The Anvil") is the champ, and since she's built like a brick shithouse she's being challenged by both Michelle McCool and Layla (aka "Laycool"), still doing their "mean girls" gimmick. Should be short.

THE ROYAL RUMBLE

A few different stories here. Woof, okay. I need to talk about Nexus now. And to do that, I need to talk about NXT.

When ECW's ratings on SciFi fell off, WWE tried to mix things up by replacing ECW with NXT. NXT is a weird wrestling/scripted reality show hybrid where WWE took a group of guys from its FCW training league and had them compete for a shot to become a real WWE superstar. They paired up each of these "rookies" with a WWE "pro" mentor, and had them do stupid obstacle courses and wrestle one another. I use quotes in those descriptors because among the "rookies" was indie wrestler Bryan Danielson (rechristened by the WWE as Daniel Bryan), who's had 10 years in the business and is widely regarded as one of the best wrestlers in North America. Bryan was assigned The Miz as his pro, which resulted in much conflict and hilarity.

NXT was weird as hell. Some of the rookies clearly were not ready for television, and the pros would often break character to talk shit about rookies who obviously sucked in the ring. After a number of weeks, intimidating Englishman Wade Barrett (whose pro was Chris Jericho) was declared the winner. On the next Raw, Barrett came down the ramp during a Cena/CM Punk main event, but was soon joined by all the eliminated NXT rookies, who emerged from the audience. The NXT guys then proceeded to destroy everything in sight: Cena, Punk, the announcers, and the ring. It was awesome.

However, in the high spirit of the moment, Daniel Bryan choked out ring announcer Justin Roberts with his own tie, and since choking is verboten in the PG-era WWE, Bryan was fired. In storyline, Barrett claimed Bryan has experienced remorse for the NXT guys' actions, and was booted from the group. The NXT faction, now dubbed The Nexus, declared open war on all things WWE, including Vince McMahon, who they beat up on Raw. They then spent the next several months feuding with basically the entire Raw roster, regardless of good/evil affiliation. The Nexus/WWE war culminated in a 7-on-7 tag match at Summerslam, where team Raw introduced its final member as the just-rehired Daniel Bryan. Team Raw won, with Cena pinning Barrett at the finale. Nexus then focused its hatred on Cena, feuding with him for a few months. Cena briefly had to join the group when he lost a match to Barrett with assistance from two eliminated NXT season 2 rookies (yes, at this point NXT season 2 had come and gone), Husky Harris (son of IRS) and Michael McGillicutty (son of Mr. Perfect). Harris and McGillicutty were inducted into Nexus, and some of the shittier members were cut.

Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan went on to feud with his former mentor The Miz for the US Championship, which Bryan eventually won. Miz then went on to win the WWE title, so it all worked out for him. I should mention that I love Bryan's gimmick, which is "short pale Vegan who is secretly an unstoppable submission machine." Think Chris Benoit minus the retrospectively-obvious insanity.

Cena finally got a one-on-one match with Barrett for his freedom at the last PPV, which Cena won. Nexus seemed finished, until none other than CM Punk stepped into the leadership role, usurping Barrett. Punk believed Cena's actions against Nexus were reprehensible (and they were; Cena was booked to be a total dick this whole storyline) and decided to take revenge, turning Nexus into his own personal cult. The members of Nexus have vowed that they will all work together to ensure that CM Punk wins the Royal Rumble. So that's Nexus.

Current Nexus members:
CM Punk
David Otunga (Fiance of Oscar-winner Jennifer Hudson. Kept around solely for that reason.)
Husky Harris
Michael McGillicutty
Skip Sheffield (Has been out with a broken leg for some time now)
Mason Ryan (This guy just joined last week. He's a big Welshman who bears a bizarrely striking resemblance to Batista.)

BUT WAIT. Because the story is not over yet. (Sorry, but a lot has been happening.) Wade Barrett, having been kicked out of Nexus, wandered over to Smackdown, where he attacked The Big Show. He was quickly joined by his former Nexus stablemates Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater, who didn't care for Punk's masochistic, homoerotic Nexus cult and decided to rejoin their old leader. They also teamed up with mandatory big guy Ezekiel Jackson, because they needed a big guy and Jackson has the sort of build that makes Vince pop a boner. Barrett, having seen the error of his selfish ways when leading Nexus, dubbed his new group The Corre (misspelled so WWE could trademark it), and claimed that his was a group of equals, with no one true leader. The Corre has sworn that in the Rumble it will be every man for himself, with no hard feelings. They also don't like Nexus. The Corre's promos seem to indicate that they might wind up as good guys, but that's not official yet. That's probably a good idea for Slater and Gabriel, who are literal babyfaces who look like they could easily front a boy band. So that's The Corre.

Current Corre members:
Wade Barrett
Justin Gabriel (Babyfaced South African high-flyer, with the only decent finisher from the entire Nexus/Corre crew. It's a sweet 450 splash.)
Heath Slater (Babyfaced Souther ginger. Has a ridiculous voice.)
Ezekiel Jackson (Had nothing to do with Nexus, but now he's with these guys.)

Whew! That was a lot. Sorry about that.

OTHER FOLKS OF NOTE

Alberto Del Rio - I'd be remiss if I didn't mention this guy. He's been getting a huge push on Smackdown and will probably be a big deal in the Rumble. His gimmick is "arrogant Mexican aristocrat". He drives a different classic car to the ring every time he enters, and he has his own Spanish-language ring announcer. He likes to refer to the audience as "peasants". He is awesome.

Sheamus - Remember this guy? Irish, extremely pale? He got a lot better in 2010, but just recently he became King of the Ring so they've been having him dress up like an LOTR reject. It's a bad idea. The "actually thinks he's a king" gimmick only really worked with King Booker. King Booker ruled.

John Morrison - He's been getting a pretty solid push on Raw, feuding with (and beating!) former World Champ Sheamus and having an awesome Last Man Standing title match with The Miz on TV. He's still won't win the Rumble, though.

Okay, I think that's more than enough.