Wrestlemania 29

Once again, I am here for you.

WWE CHAMPSIONSHIP
THE ROCK VS JOHN CENA

ONCE IN A LIFETIME... AGAIN! THIS TIME... FOR THE LAST TIME! (MAYBE!)
You'll recall that Rock won the title at the Royal Rumble while Cena won the Rumble match itself. And here we are! Rock won last year, Cena wants revenge, etc. Hope you guys like REST HOLDS.

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
ALBERTO DEL RIO VS JACK SWAGGER

 Del Rio turned face a few months back and beat Big Show for the title. Former-World-Champion-turned-midcard-jobber Jack Swagger had been gone several months, taking some time off (while actually having sweet adventures on mars) to get his act together. When Swagger returned, he had a new manager and a hard-line stance on immigration. Swagger won the Smackdown Elimination Chamber match for the right to challenge Del Rio for the title at Mania, and here we are: heroic Mexican guy vs straight-up racist. Perhaps you'd like to buy the racist guy's t-shirt?

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
TEAM HELL NO (Kane & Daniel Bryan) VS DOLPH ZIGGLER (w/AJ Lee) & BIG E LANGSTON

I love Team Hell No, but their act has been stale for awhile now, and I was really hoping they'd turn on each other and fight at Wrestlemania.  Instead they're in a holding pattern, battling the perpetually under-used Ziggler and his massive bodyguard, Big E Langson.  I will say that I think Ziggler has finally hit on the perfect combo to break to the top of the card: evil girlfriend (AJ Lee, a step up from Vickie Guerrero, whose nuclear heat tends to draw focus from those she manages) and hulking bodyguard (Big E).  Ziggler STILL has the Money in the Bank briefcase he can cash in for a few more months, so he doesn't need the tag titles. This match screams "get these guys on the card somehow."  Still, I like everyone involved.

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPSIONSHIP
WADE BARRETT VS THE MIZ

WWE does this infuriating thing with its second-tier champions where they lose every non-title match but always pull out a win when the title might actually change hands.  And that's the story here: Miz has beat Barrett several times when the title wasn't on the line, can he do it when it is?  Probably!  Who gives a shit?

TRIPLE H VS BROCK LESNAR (w/Paul Heyman)
NO HOLDS BARRED, IF TRIPLE H LOSES HE MUST RETIRE

Brock Lesnar beat Triple H at Summerslam much to everyone's delight, so obviously THAT CANNOT STAND.  Still, could be good.  Paul Heyman's involvement is always welcome.  ("My client... BRRRROCK LLLLESNAR...gets PAID to HURT PEOPLE.")

THE UNDERTAKER VS CM PUNK

I have no idea what the original plan for this feud was, but Undertaker's long-time manager Paul Bearer died a few weeks back, that's been Punk's focus.  He stole Undertaker's urn and ran down Bearer whenever he could.  Just old-school dickhead heel stuff.  Punk has claimed to be in Undertaker's head, which I think every Taker opponent has claimed since 1997.  Can Punk break the streak?!?  Ha ha come on of course he can't.  Still, he should sell getting destroyed nicely.

THE SHIELD (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns) VS RANDY ORTON, SHEAMUS, AND THE BIG SHOW

This will shock everyone, but The Shield has been around for nearly six months and the WWE has yet to fuck them up.  They've won every match they've participated in, and handed out beat-downs to stale top card faces on the reg, and it's been glorious.  Once again some random good guys have teamed up to take The Shield out, and I'm hoping they'll be as successful as the other random teams of good guys who have tried.  The wrinkle here is that Big Show just turned face, and Orton and Sheamus don't trust him.

RYBACK VS MARK HENRY

The immovable object meets the other immovable object!  I never dreamed I'd ever root for Mark Henry, but his current schtick is gold.

CHRIS JERICHO VS FANDANGO

Here's a weird one.  Jericho returned at the Rumble and has been doing very little (mostly beating second-tier champions in non-title matches).  Fandango and his ballroom dance gimmick debuted a few weeks ago but he has yet to participate in a match, since he refuses to wrestle until someone pronounces his name correctly.  Fandango's definite of "correctly" is odd.  Y'know, maybe you should just see.


This is obviously a weird comedy gimmick, and for some reason his first real match will be against top guy Chris Jericho on the biggest show of the year.  I love it.

TONS OF FUNK & THE FUNKADACTYLS (Brodus Clay, Tensai, Naomi, and Cameron) VS TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS (Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow) & THE BELLA TWINS

Tensai was introduced as a world-destroying villain, but nobody liked him so now he's a dancing fat guy teamed with another dancing fat guy.  The Rhodes Scholars broke up a few months ago until someone realized that was a terrible idea, so now they're back, and they brought the returning Bella Twins.  Not sure what two dancing fat guys can do against the power of BEST FRIENDS, but I guess we'll see.

See you Sunday!